nobeckettno

angry swedish bitches

2010-12-01T23:26:00.000-08:00

yes please.

drawing much inspiration these days from my ragey nordic sistas.

cobrastyle: robyn

bitchface motherfucker: lisbeth

is it time to cut off all my hair and embrace the 50% svenska? i think yes.

(also, god, i just cannot find a decent lisbeth retrospective. i just spent like 45 minutes on youtube watching horrid eurotrash shit. i might just have to make one myself.)

willow rosenberg has the cutest smile ever invented

2010-11-28T01:15:00.000-08:00

hulu plus has all the buffy episodes.

and my life is the better for it, buffy's occasionally weird velvet pants excluded.

because velvet pants aside, it's buffy's opaque sparkley sunglasses and cute witticisms, angel young and forlorn (so much more lovely than his contemporary rip-off), willow's enormous innocent eyes and utter sweetness, the halloween episode of season two, and all of season two, really. and fucking drusilla, man. fucking drusilla should have won an emmy for her sheer super amazingness.

and yeah maybe i've had a lot of wine and an excess of ice cream cake tonight, but some things are just patently charming. and the level of cuteness achieved with a willow rosenberg smile circa 1997 is way more charming than anything i've seen televised in the last ten years. so yayys for hulu, which has raised my happiness by at least 50% with its abundance of otherwise unavailable awesomeness.

couldn't love you more

2010-10-31T01:37:00.000-07:00

it has been busy and beyond hectic over here. i've been a ridiculous bitchface to pretty much urrybody and have been barely keeping my head above water. but i played in my first home bout tonight and my beloved and my favorite lovelies came out to support and i just couldn't be more pleased with the life i've made for myself in the middle of nowhere, all on my own. now i'm ready to conk out -- sore and tired, half drunk and bruised, dried sweat and achy bones. but i haven't felt so wildly alive and wonderful in ages. i will sleep forevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvs and wake up happy, i know.

hey, fall

2010-10-08T22:27:00.001-07:00

have made a slew of new recipes lately, but have been a weird combo of both too busy and too lazy to post recently. plus, i have a bout in chicago tomorrow! eeek! i'm terribly excited though, so wish me luck. and i'm getting a lot better, imho. can skate backwards, stop fast, and am learning to skate sideways too. still falling down a lot, but been getting better with that too, i think. just thought i'd stop in to share my newest favorite fall purchase:

faux fur FTW!

been looking for a retro cropped faux fur jacket for two years and thankfully, fashionistas have decided to embrace the leopard print this fall. wish i could have afforded this sweet hot kate spade version, but alas, grad school makes ms. spade an impossibility:

still, don't you think i did an awesome job finding a cheaper, but still retro fun jacket? i'm impressed with myself anyway. and now lafayette, indiana is gonna get an eyeful of a glam jacket and big black sunglasses version of jb.

breakfast of champions

2010-09-12T20:45:00.000-07:00

this week is green smoothie challenge week here at nobeckettno which means that i'll be getting down with a green bevvie every day until sunday. cleaning the blender every day is a hassle that i don't particularly look forward to, but every time i switch to smoothie + small substantial breakfast item, i feel awesome. plus i'm bored to death of oatmeal. oatmeal can suck it. until canned pumpkin arrives at the grocery and then pumpkin oats and i will totally get back together.

for small but substantial breakfast item, i decided to host an exclusive (read: me and a bottle of malbec) late night baking party last night and made these extremely tastyhealthy blueberry muffins. seriously, with this breakfast i'm pretty much guaranteed to be some kind of efficacious wonder. even if i'm not eating breakfast until well past noon these days. Recipes for success below:

Green Smoothie

ingredients:

1 cup coconut water

1 apple, chopped

2 big handfuls spinach

4-5 strawberries

juice of 1/2 lime

1 inch fresh ginger, grated

directions:

blend that shit

Whole Wheat Blueberry Banana Muffins

(adapted, but just barely, from Jenna at eatliverun.com)

ingredients:

1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour

3/4 cup sugar

4 tbsp butter

1 egg + 1 yolk

2 bananas, mashed

1 1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

2 cups (1 dry pint) fresh blueberries

1/3 cup milk

directions:

heat oven to 375. melt butter in a small pot. whisk in milk, egg, banana, and vanilla. in a large bowl, combine flour, baking soda, cinnamon, salt, and sugar. add the wet ingredients, then fold in blueberries. bake for 25-30 minutes. makes 12 normal-sized muffins or 10 large. effing delicious toasted with a bit of butter.

on the end of summer, sequin shorts, and montenegro style

2010-08-30T20:17:00.001-07:00

well it's still hot as balls in the midwest, but easy to tell that summer comes to its slow, sad close. winter is pratically upon us, y'all. oh sure there's the pretty, quick breath of fall but then before you know it the ground's covered in grey sludgy snow that mucks up your pant legs and sticks around in huge drifts, unperturbed, until april.

but david bought me sequin shorts from jcrew, so winter will not bring me down this year! cuz it's all sparkly shorty shorts over here! and i am working on my fall look, which will be 'montenegro style' in honor of the shiloh. toddlers are so cosmopolitan these days. anyway, slouchy soft menswear is my direction. which i will balance with extremely slutty shoes and big, messy, long hair. and dark lipstick. and maybe some kind of delicate jewelry. now if only that financial aid check would come so i could start looking for online sales. also digging this lately:

(unisex cologne of awesomeness)

and have also been coveting this hair despite my fall commitment to length:

(dawson's creek pixie cut of awesomeness)

in day-to-day life news, i've been effing neck deep in bureaucracy horrorfest over here lately. i can't bear to think about it anymore, so i won't get into details. let's just say FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT and call it covered.

i hope to be blogging more regularly now that i have my wits about me again. i've been so manic just trying to write and deal with a lotta ins, lotta outs, lotta whathaveyous, that i'm only now starting to feel like i have a handle on things. so i'm back in the world. head is out of the muddle. let's see what i can squeeze out of the last warm days of august.

july = dissertation and derby

2010-07-24T23:36:00.001-07:00

really, i don't do anything else these days. well tonight i made zucchini pancakes which were a success. i just tweaked an ina garten recipe a bit and served them with tzatziki and big salad with avocado. obsessing over avocado is also something i've been doing a lot in july.

but in derby and diss news, i was in my first bout and loved it even though i kept getting knocked down. i got totally nervous right before it started and then calmed down about 15 minutes in. by the second half, i was having the best time i've ever had in a sporting event. it was awesome. as was the 80s themed after party at which i drank some bud lights (whut?) and ate some sandwich and danced with a bunch of sweaty, smelly bruisers. there was A LOT of girl-on-girl humping action. all in a good fun, non dominating kind of humping way, of course. the other team, So Ill Roller Girls (clever, you see, because they are from SOuthern ILLinois. get?), was very fun and good spirited overall. they won the bout but were super sweet dancey party cool girls after.

on the dissertation front, i'm being pretty productive. got another chapter draft done and twenty pages of the next. twenty messy disaster pages, but better than nothing. and it's kinda coming together. i still have a bit of a hopeless, i'm never gonna get done feeling in my gut, but i make myself write every day regardless. just hoping that will pay off soon.

that's all the recap i can handle tonight. now off to watch some hulu before bed. night night.

fireflies, flip flops, and sundresses just don't happen in san francisco

2010-06-27T02:44:00.001-07:00

love my california, love it. but it is god damned cold here. i'm not gonna lie -- i miss my humid midwest right now. but i had such a ridiculously beautiful day today that i'm exhausted and worn out but glowing with so much happiness that i can't fall asleep yet. so, a short blog post before beds.

my little brother got married to a sick-hot redhead today. she looked stunning and slim and graceful in a mermaid style gown with sparkles and he looked all movie star and great hair and dapper in a well-tailored black suit with apple green silk tie and pocket square. they said beautiful and heartfelt things to each other and it was so pretty and sweet that i cried until my nose ran in front of a hundred people. and then after they got all wedded, they walked out to "laid" by james which just sealed the joyfulness and soul-burst, for reals.

and my dad teared up during the ceremony and MY FATHER DOES NOT CRY. ever. ever. it killed me. he loves us so much. and he does so much for us, i just hope hope hope he knows how much we appreciate everything he does. i say thank you but at some point "thank you" just doesn't cut it. i can't wait to be able to do something really wonderful for him. and mums of course too, who choked back tears and looked darling in light gold dress and heels and then looked even darling-er dancing with russell at the picnic afterwards.

but i'm rambling and being full of love and joy does not make for an especially well-written post, esp at 3am with several beers and champers and whatever else in the belly.

there was just lots of love today spilling out all over the place, so i can't help but feel gushy and open and just wonderfully alive here now in my precious hotel room, windows flung open despite the cool weather, cuddled up in puffy white pillows and ready to conk out like a little baby angel.

sleep tight, my hearts. everything is good, like whoa.

things i loathe, in no particular order

2010-06-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

raisins

kitten heels

brendan fraser

sweater sets

phew, just needed to get that out. thanks.

fireflies on parade, or, why i can never manage my summers

2010-06-18T18:42:00.000-07:00

too many plans, y'all. too many plans. when summer hits, i just can't contain my desires and then i'm all scattered and dissatisfied for three months. i'm determined to be more realistic this summer, and more organized. tho i have yet to actually DO this organizin, i'm convinced that a huge, soon to be purchased dry erase board will help me get my act together. i don't want to meet another august with a list of un-met goals and half-finished craft projects. i think i'll post a realistic version of summer goals soon, to keep my ass in check.

i have been a busy little critter tho! i knew june would be a sort of frightful messy month. had the friend reunion/arizona trip at the beginning of the month, then a weekend visit with aev in my old illinois haunts (what a trip that was! i do miss that town. we ate and drank and ran into ex-boyfriends, and went to a porch party, bought inexpensive yet stylish jewelry, watched reruns of 30 rock until 4 in the morning, and strolled the streets of normal, illinois. action packed, for sure.). i also got checked off on all my derby skillz and started scrimmaging with the team which is hard and exhausting and awesome and i find myself thinking about roller skates as i fall asleep at night. and jamming. one day i'll be a jammer, you guys. i've also had too much wine at half-off wine night, glutted myself on the glory that is true blood season two, seen a mess of fireflies, eaten enchiladas and awesome homemade rice at raven's, run innumerable errands, and found a local store that sells coconut water.

and i'm also still dithering with the same chapter i've been dithering with for ages. so, first order of business is to get it sent off by this sunday, the 20th. it must happen. i must quit dithering. i may need therapy.

and then it's off to berkeley for my onlyest brother's wedding! i think this will be a memorable event, for reals. now i just gotta get some ducks in a row before next thursday and then i will explode into july like banzai motherfuckin ball of energy and light.

aw, no more vacay

2010-06-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

at phx now waiting for my indy flight and feeling half low, half happy to be headed home. had a ridiculously lovely time in the OV with mummydaddy and then the ladies for ladies weekend. some of my favorite things, in random order (a slightly more detailed post in the next few days):

- i made carrot cake cupcakes with cream cheese frosting and choc cupcakes with "that's the best frosting i ever had" and they both came out pretty dandy!

- fun mimosa brunch with the gals

- saw lots of strange, napping creatures at the sonora desert museum

- lounged in the p's pool, playing pool badminton with the girls

- goofed around with my brother's hat collection, laughed hysterically

- made dinner at home, kim's AWESOME avocado salsa

- and her equally awesome grilled poblano peppers and onions for atop burgers/vegi burgers

- my dad's caesar

- the beautiful drive to mcclintock's restaurant

- the smell of coppertone and clean beach towels

- my first pedicure (!)

- visit to both bon stores for magical inspiration feelings and lots of d.i.y. ideas

- met the bon owner's new baby, lucien, who was kickin it in an enormous basket lined with blankies

- wii dance! i sucked, but it was so fun

- my new blue nail polish (it's like ghetto fab meets summertime, y'all - check the beyonce vid that inspired the manicure)

- solid parent time and solid girlfriend time = totally restorative

now i just gotta motivate to finish the damn dissertation. hopefully i'll get on a good summer writing sched soon.

first, though, i am headed to my favorite central illinois town...bloomington! i'll be visiting my old bloomie partner in crime, abs, who is departing for a teaching position in tennessee and i am soooooooo looking forward to checking out the town that was the scene of many bizarre adventures. hopefully we will also be joined by the hilarious vhvk whose wild blond curls and unruly sense of humor made my first year of grad school one of the most interesting years of my life.

and before that, it's raves birthday! (okay, really, when will i get work done with all this fun? and when will i lose the five pounds before russell's wedding on the 26th? gah! june is gonna be nutty and incredibly busy!)

desert vacay

2010-05-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

flew into phoenix yesterday and super glad to be back in the desert. bizarre, perhaps, but i so dig the high temperatures and warm nights. obsessed with warm nights. love them.

got a much needed in n out grilled cheese on the way from phx to tucson and spent the rest of the evening chilling and drinking wine with the p's. pretty lovely.

today i slept in, mums made me some oatmeal, i lounged by the pool, and then i drug the parents to tucson's only roller rink. what a dork! i'm really so geeked out on derby, it's ridiculous. i kinda thought the rink would be empty and i could do some falls and stuff for my parents, but it was chalk full of kids! so mostly i just treated the kids like an obstacle course and practiced weaving around a bunch of wobbly babies. good practice, actually. and the rink had a skate shop, so pops bought me some outdoor wheels and a wrench for tightening up my toe stops. woot! i started switching out my wheels tonight and i think i'll hit the oro valley streets tomorrow for my first try at skating out of doors. very excited.

also super excited for my girls to arrive on friday! this weekend is going to be lots of fun, i can tell already. even if we just lounge on the couch and drink mimosas for three days, i'll be stoked.

dying of sleepiness now, so i'm gonna hit the showers and hope i don't have bad dreams again tonight. every time i travel now, i spend the first few nights having terrifying dreams. i think my psyche misses the boy and the dog. which would be sweet if the dreams weren't so horrible.

until tomorrow then. XOX.

pancakes and roller derby

2010-05-24T22:35:00.001-07:00

is pretty much all i've been up to lately. not sure what's up with the pancake cravings, but i've decided to just honor the belly and make pancakes.

made these pancakes which were delicious (only changes i made were using half whole wheat flour and half regular organic flour, using regular milk sted soy, and adding 2tsp vanilla + 1/2 tsp of coconut extract cuz i ran out of vanilla). i also made these uber healthy pancakes which were actually quite tasty tho a touch eggy for me.

and helped bench coach at the roller derby bout on saturday night which was a blast, natch. fingers crossed that i'll be skating in june! but i've got a lot of travel-vacay on the agenda, so if i don't get to skate until july, i'll just have to deal. i wish i could just get everybody i know to come to a bout with me! they're really SO FUN. everyone is yelling, girls are all ass-over-tea-kettle, there's beer and popcorn and unfinished wooden bleachers, fishnets, tough competition, music...it's all extremely entertaining and lively.

then i went to the afterparty at the knick where i had a few beers and chatted a bit. then home for pizza (i was staaaaaaaaaaaaarving!) and late night movie watchin.

tomorrow i head to arizona to hang with the parents and then have a mini friend reunion with my college girls. i am super excited for lounging, hiking, cocktails, dinner out, swimming, tennis, shopping, etc.

but now it's 2am and i need to finish packing. but that shit's easy. sleep tight, internet! i'll write when i get out west!

just because

2010-05-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

had a lovely dinner at bistro tonight -- a bottle of stag's leap (courtesy of bistro wine club -- woot! it was a merlot and i liked it regardless), a cup of artichoke-swiss soup, blackened grilled salmon, and a sticky toffee pudding (this dessert is SICK. if you are ever in lafayette, indiana and can eat wheat products, you must have this. caramelly squishy chewy warm goodness with a scoop of vanilla bean ice cream yessssssssssssssss).

now because i wanna go to sleep and i'm out of stuff to write, ima include my current running playlist. or rather, my current listen-to-before-derby playlist. sure it might look a little schizophrenic from the outside, but if you don't see how peaches and miley cyrus go together like pb and chocolate, that's your problem.

Win Baby Win Mix

Peaches - I’m the Kinda

She Wants Revenge - Tear You Apart

Tricky - Christiansands

Mos Def - Quiet Dog

DJ Khaled - All I Do is Win

Tom Waits - Hoist that Rag

Fugazi - Waiting Room

Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - Crimson and Clover

Cat Power - Lost Someone

Beirut - Nantes

Vampire Weekend - The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance

Gogol Bordello - Through the Roof ‘n’ Underground

Old 97s - Doreen

Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

Miley Cyrus - Party in the U.S.A.

Beyonce - Single Ladies

Kesha - Tik Tok

Le Tigre - Hot Topic

The Velvet Underground & Nico - I’ll Be Your Mirror

Cat Power - Breathless

Tom Waits - Little Drop of Poison

catching up

2010-05-12T22:46:00.000-07:00

been pretty busy around here. submitted grades late monday night, so the semester is officially OVER. yes. very excited for summer.

i also finally got my skates today! and got to wear them to practice! it's amazing the difference they make, really. instead of scraping along the floor feeling like i'm gonna go sliding right off the track, these guys feel smooth and very control-able. as you might suspect, i loved practice tonight. next step is to buy outdoor wheels for myself and then i will just never take my skates off again. for reals, derby is the best thing to happen to me in a really long time. so extremely happy that i decided to do it.

feeling sunny and positive about summer as a whole. should be worky and productive while also involving shenanigans, cocktails, and lounging. another summer instituted life decision that i've decided to pursue is:

baking day!

i am an unconfident baker, my friends. so to change this sad fact, i will be baking something new, one day a week. perhaps from this book for the healthiness avoidance of refined bleached up flour nonsense. probs mostly i'll just be baking extraordinarily unhealthy treats from smittenkitchen.com. one wouldn't want to be *too* healthy. also hoping to do some entertaining this summer and/or bring baked treats to other get togethers. started off by making coconut cupcakes last saturday for ufc watching at cc's apartment. turned out pretty damn good, if i may brag a bit. cream cheese frosting, yo. so i've got high hopes for tarts, cakes, crepes, and breads.

now to read a bit of nylon before watching a movie and eating some treats with the bf. because it's suuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr and i can do whatever i waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant. yup yup!

she's 34, has plans

2010-05-03T22:22:00.000-07:00

sometimes, sadly perhaps, it takes a real dose of physical misery for the total beauty of normal existence to shine through. (which is why hangovers have a weird aura of the sublime for me. but that's another kind of post.) with that thought in mind, i'm not embarrassed to say that a night of puking and a day of curled-up-fetal-position ushered in a real sense of joy, clarity, and direction on april 30. really, chugging a bunch of water and eating a full meal after feeling like you never want to eat again is a maje reminder of the i am alive and i feel good! variety. the divine IS the everyday, people. and, no, i didn't finally get into that birthday champagne. i'm just a girl who's no longer too dizzy to stand up for the duration of a shower. god damn, nothing feels better than a shower sometimes. to my point, though.

definitive life plans, for which i am excited:

1. spend one hour every saturday reading philosophy, about ethics and morality especially.

(one of the only good things organized religion has got going for it is the scheduled time for philosophical reflection and study. just because i'm an atheist doesn't mean i can be ethically sloppy.)

2. get an mfa.

(eventually, or not at all if i can kick start writing creatively on my own. i don't think there's much to be gained from the degree itself, but as someone who needs deadlines and guidelines to get shit done, i am certain that taking classes will help me achieve my more creative goals. read: i have wanted to write fiction since i was a little girl and yet i'm too scared to do it. time for desperate measures.)

those are the top two. more later. and to say goodnight, something beautiful:

He saw man as strong, proud, clean, wise and fearless. He saw man as a heroic being. And he built a temple to that. A temple is a place where man is to experience exaltation. He thought that exaltation comes from the consciousness of being guiltless, of seeing the truth and achieving it, of living up to one’s highest possibility, of knowing no shame and having no cause for shame, of being able to stand naked in full sunlight. He thought that exaltation means joy and that joy is man’s birthright. He thought that a place built as a setting for man is a sacred place.

worst birthday ever?

2010-05-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

perhaps. nobody wants food poisoning the night before their birthday. so no cake or champagne for me. no leisurely shopping or baking or light napping. just vomiting horrendous amounts and shitting rivers from about midnight until 8am. about once an hour, i guess. i counted seven trips to the bathroom. sorry for the too much info, but those were seven painful trips to the loo. so i feel compelled to share.

anyway, that meant my birthday proper was spent curled up in a ball sipping pedialyte and nibbling the corners off saltines. i started to feel better around midnight, and my sweet sweet boyfriend took really good care of me by making a special grocery trip replete with several flavors of fruity jello, pleasantly bland soup, and a pink plastic princess tiara and matching earrings. he even made me a pedialyte, gatorade, and water mocktail in a wine glass. much appreciated. for reals, i get super sensitive when i'm sick. i don't complain, but i get really quiet and am prone to tears. i totally teared up when i saw that he got me multiple jello flavors.

but i'm MUCH better now. opened lovely presents from the parents, looking forward to a dinner out with sweet boyfriend, and i've lost five pounds. (which will, undoubtedly, come back when i can eat more than soup and english muffins.) gonna do a little shopping with bday gift cards this week and i also CANNOT WAIT for the semester to meet its close. it's time for summer with all its humid glory and finished (and hopefully defended) dissertation.

the last couple days of mandatory bed rest have gotten me all riled up to get back to life with new vigor. i've got plans (some birthday resolutions to share on the morrow), and i'm a girl who likes her plans. now it's just five more papers to grade, some finals to give, and it's gonna get all free bird up in this bitch.

if free bird had an unfinished monster dissertation hanging off one little bird foot, dragging it down to the realm of the impossibly unfree, that is.

to making the most of it. happy 34th year to myself.

a little punk, just in time.

2010-04-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

was having some standard midnight panics tonight when a growling joan jett appeared in the headphones and turned the wrong world right again. nothing like a surly confident bitchface girl to remind us that we spit in the face of self-doubt. yeah, i may be way behind in my dissertation writing and everything looks like a crashing wave of poverty and despair. but i'll figure it out. i usually do. and when i don't, i just move back in with my parents! ha.

for reals, tho. writin is hard, y'all. i gotta get my mess together and have a productive summer. but i also need to stop bashing my brain against the keyboard when i don't understand something. usually if i keep writing i figure it out, but sometimes i just don't and then it's four pages of half sentences, curses, death threats, and limericks and that does not a productive summer make. so next on the list is a better coping strategy for when i hit mental roadblocks.

tonight's brain break was making a list of the craziest motherfucking derby names i could come up with (shout out to so&so who emailed with a list that was nothing short of inspired, really. jen "the mad stork" backman and jen "based on the novel push, by sapphire" backman may not be in the current running, but they made the top of the crazyfunny list with a bullet.)

remind me NOT to study break with name games again, plz. it's like a black hole for a lit nerd and general collector of strange names. plus, when i just let the old noggin run wild, my absurd crazytown ideas start to sound normal.

like now someone has to convince me not to name myself Boom Boom L'Amour.

which is lunatic. but i bet joan would like it.

plans and planning

2010-04-21T23:48:00.000-07:00

i'm such a list maker, you guys. unfortch, the last few days have stalled out at the list-making stage and haven't really progressed to the next step which is the doing shit stage. but i have thoroughly enjoyed coming up with restaurant ideas and potential fun happenings for my girl reunion in arizona, creating a list of roller derby names for myself (all of which are just not quite right!), making a positively endless dissertation list, and planning meals that i then get too lazy to make.

some fun lurks on the horizon though! an away derby bout this weekend and then next week a birthday that i have, over the last few days, decided to embrace. pretty baby is gonna take me to dinner and i'm sure i can coax some of the local flava to come out for cocktails. but i made a special decision for my actual birthday day and for this i am very excited. gonna sleep in and then leisurely make myself this:

coconut cake! a big, heavenly mess of puffy sweetness. i imagine. i've never even had coconut cake before. but i've decided i MUST have it on my birthday and i'm terribly happy about the prospect. it just seems so indulgent and floofy and perfect. of course, being a special birthday celebration, i will also enjoy some of this:

ah, but who am i kidding. you know it will be more like this:

git it, git it!! i'm gonna bury myself in a pile of sugary coconut goodness and champers. i'll probs wear something pink and sparkly too, just for good measure.

the whole theory here is that a girl can deal with anything as long as she throws enough sugar and booze at it.

XOX

crashing again

2010-04-18T21:45:00.001-07:00

once again exhausted and barely gonna make it through a post before face needs to hit pillow. mostly cuz of derby which is kicking my ass in a very fun and exciting way.

on friday, i met coach cooch and one of the other new girls to do check-offs (i.e. prove we can do a list of basic things) and i got checked off on all of them! the scariest was trying to do 5 laps in 55 seconds which i didn't quite make, but i nearly did. enough to get passed on it anyway. the first time i did five in a minute and then the second time i did five in 58 seconds. woop woooppp! even tho i thought i was gonna go sailing off the track a few times, getting within three seconds of the goal was more than enough for me.

which means i'm officially able to practice with the team now, but not scrimmage. so tonight i did my first drill with the team and it was amazing and scary and super fun all at once. they weren't allowed to hit me, so basically i just skated around and tried not to fall over while everyone else knocked into each other. then i had to catch up with the pack a couple of times which was hard! my cardio needs wooooooork, man. i definitely think derby is gonna help me get my cocktail consumption into a more acceptable range. i think my ass and my thighs are gonna be in a more acceptable range soon too. MY LEGS ARE DYING RIGHT NOW. DYING.

in other news, i got a decent amount of writing done this week but not enough to send to the director yet. boo. but i'm feeling pretty good about it. went to the mfa thesis readings on friday night and then out to sparrow where i enjoyed a couple of cocktails and some fish n chips. the best part of the night was when it was time to close out and when anna brought our separate checks, brian apparently wasn't ready to go home so he gave his a nasty look and then ate it. just took the bill and put it right in the mouth and chew chew chew. deadpan. and fucking hysterical. funny too was when i had to go tell anna that he needed a new bill b/c of the eating it situation. kinda priceless.

anyway, my whole body has this kind of numb ache and my head hurts and my eyes are so tired they're burning. so i'm gonna grab the bulldog and cuddle up until tomorrow.

eek, and i have to get observed tomorrow while i teach. blech. hate it. which means i'm gonna be nervous until 4:30. oh wells. i'm already looking forward to my morning oatmeal and that's something (new fave is cinammon oatmeal with a big scoop of almond butter, a littler scoop of apple butter, and a big handful of blueberries. yummmmmm. and caramel tea. great, now i'm hungry again).

work, don't worry

2010-04-14T22:33:00.001-07:00

my current solution to the extreme irritation of earlier in the week is do work, don't worry. here at nobeckettno, we have the tendency to fret about things that need done. at 3am. when absolutely nothing can get done except the ruining of sleep. so the work, don't worry motto went rubber to road yesterday and today and much is better in the world.

taxes are done, second tysabri infusion was infused, classes were taught, library fines avoided, make-up tests administered, and derby practice attended.

thanks especially to the derby practice, i'm practically euphoric right now. really, it felt AWESOME tonight. i just practiced falls, stops, and crossovers with the other new girls, but i finally feel like i'm starting to get the hang of it. and we got to skate on the real track! (minus the other girls!) and we had to sprint and then do things like one-knee fall, baseball slide, all-fours fall, and t-stops every time Coach Cooch blew her whistle. EXHAUSTING! for the last minute or so, we just sprinted around the track doing crossovers and i thought i was gonna die. but i made it and i'm already so proud of myself for getting better and just going out there and doing it even tho i get nervous before practice.

i drove home with the hugest smile on my face, blasting japanese bossa nova with my windows down and the warm midwestern air all blowy and spring and just couldn't have been happier.

and MS med infusion went totally smoothly yesterday. i drove myself there and back (even tho pretty baby repeatedly asked if i would like him to come - so sweet) and only got a tiny squeamish when the nurse put the iv thing in. got some grading done, chatted with the other ladies and left two hours later feeling fine. no weird side effects and no signs of brain infection so far. woot woot.

my major must accomplish goal for tomorrow is finishing enough of my next chapter to send a second chunk of it to the director. which might be challenging. but i've got all day and all kinds of motivation, so i'm feeling good.

now it is super major sleep time. i can't hardly believe how tired my body is.

grumpy and grouchy

2010-04-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

i have been EXTREMELY irritable lately and today is no exception, so i'll keep it short. i swear, if it weren't for jello pudding cups i'd be off my rocker. and twizzlers. those are helpful too. anyway, all i'm gonna do here is a make a list of the things that are bothering me right now in the hopes that writing them will get them out from under my skin. feel free to skip the bitchfest and tune in next week when maybe i'll be a happier girl.

- just trying to get too many things done and not doing any of them particularly well.

- beckett has some kind of dog version of roid rage from the steroids for her allergies and she is making me crazy with incessant barking crazy skittishness and general manic weirdo-ness.

- i got my derby stuff in the mail today but no skates. BOO. apparently they take longer. i'm happy to have my pads and helmet and mouthguard, but REALLY wanted the skates. (am stoked tho that my life now requires something with "high density impact-resistant cap" even tho on the packaging, it's spelled "denisty")

- i seem to have broken my new camera by being a forcer. (previous cam had a remarkably similar charger and i didn't notice that i was trying to shove a kodak prong up a nikon's ass for 24 hours. siiiiiiiigh. now nikon doesn't respond when anything, no matter how gently, is inserted into its parts. when will i ever learn? what a brute.)

- i also broke my favorite plate when i accidentally crashed my favorite mug onto it during give-your-favorite-dishes-a-bath-in-the-sink time. (i guess this did inspire me to have the genius idea of saving all my favorite broken dish ware so that i can eventually make some kind of cool trencadís project. i think this will help me deal with the loss of my beloved kitchen gear.)

well, i guess that's all i can think of right now. except for that i'm broke, not sure how i'm gonna finish my dissertation, and scared of being broke and jobless for eternity. plus i'm getting old. birthday on the rapidly approaching horizon.

BLAHS. gonna read for class and go to bed. will try to make tomorrow more positive. just hope nobody tries to talk to me at tysabri infusion session b/c i have been a serious bitch on wheels. zero interest in small talk and/or other people right now. maybe i'll bring one of those sleeper eye masks and my ipod.

see, off to a good start already!

(that was sarcasm. i don't even like sarcasm.)

lazy monday

2010-04-05T21:27:00.000-07:00

getting motivated was a bit of a chore today. esp since i spent four hours of last night scraping glue off of a cement floor. which was what happened at derby practice instead of derby practice. turns out that last season was so successful for the lafayette brawlin' dolls that it's time for a bigger space. the dude who owns the space ripped up a whole ton of astroturf from what used to be an indoor softball field and the girls helped out by scratching the leftover gunk off the floor. lots of leftover gunk.

but i think by saturday (first bout of the season), things will look awesome. owner dude is building bleachers to seat 1200, there will be beer and snacks for sale, a local dj will be spinning, and there are announcers n shit! for reals, i think this is gonna be amazing and fun. i can't wait! (even tho i'm just gonna be helping keep track of penalties.) i'll be bringing my camera!

also i shed out the $$ for my skates and gear today. wahoo! very exciting stuff. i think i'm going to be pestering my ups dude like mad until they get here.

tomorrow is another one of my beautiful tuesdays in which i try to write like a maniac and apply for a job at san francisco city college. i gotta get this work stuff together, people. now though i'm gonna call my mama and finish some laundry before hopefully getting some blissful sleep. had a rough night last night with terrible dreams of beckett falling off tall stuff and my friends getting busted for drug possession. and it was miller who got busted! miller, the never-done-anything-bad-in-her-life friend!

and why do my bad dreams about beckett invariably involve her falling off of tall stuff?

the midwest may be getting to me

2010-04-04T11:15:00.000-07:00

so after seeing a link to something called crash hot potatoes on a friend's FB wall, i got sucked into the blogger's love story. then i saw these pix of the family dogs and babies (here and here -- really scroll through, it's obscenely precious) and now, totally immersed in pioneer woman's world, i find myself intrigued by this and this.

smitten kitchen's brisket description is also weirdly haunting. am i going to start eating meat again? until last year, i was a strict vegetarian for 14 years. and then i decided i needed to stop being a baby and eat some lean protein so i started to eat fish. since my vegetarianism was always more about texture and less about animal cruelty, i haven't had any big qualms about eating the fishies. i'm mostly interested in health at this point. and adults need to eat what's good for them even if they don't like it.

i'm also convinced that to build muscle, there's nothing more effective and better for you than lean animal protein. and what i want more than anything is to be healthy. especially with the MS diagnosis, i want to know that if i have another "episode" that my body will be prepared to bounce back. (to be fair, i am still struggling with my love of cocktails and frozen pizza in this regard.)

i guess now that i've opened the doors to a non-veg lifestyle, it's no wonder that other fleshy options are asserting themselves on my psyche. significantly less healthy options, at that.

anyway, i've still got the ick as far as meat is concerned. but i find myself increasingly curious about these rustic and simple meaty things. the things that ranchers eat and the things that simmer and bubble in a slow cooker all day. i guess i'll just keep an eye on my appetite and see where it leads...

my very first practice!

2010-03-31T22:49:00.001-07:00

man, i'm gonna be sore tomorrow. had my first derby practice today (!) and that shit's hard. not allowed to knock into anyone yet, but the two other new girls and i practiced falls and stops and just generally tried to not fall down while skating in a circle. of course i did fall down, but only once and it was when i was just standing still. go figure. i'm not even sure how that happened. but whatever, i gotta get used to spills and there seems to be a general shit ton of girls falling over everywhere you look anyway.

so it was rad and i'm crushing on derby hard now. i can't wait til i'm better and can actually be trusted to skate next to others. that seems so far off in a distant dreamland future, but i figure if practice is twice a week for two and a half hours each time, i'm bound to get better pretty fast. and probs get some sweet muscles in the meantime! there were sit ups, push ups, and planks in addition to the skatin. and stopping makes all manner of thigh burning happen. it will be fun to feel like an athlete again.

i was a sweatbomb jello-muscle mess when i got home, but david ordered a pizza and i took an awesome shower and now i feel pretty wonderful. i think this sport is gonna be just the thing for me. next step is purchasing my own gear! i just have to do some mental prep for the moneybomb that's gonna get dropped on rollergirlskates.com.

okay, i am exhausted down to the furthest reaches of my being and that bed with the cute soft sheets is calling my name like woah.

sunny san antonio

2010-03-26T21:21:00.001-07:00

totally charming trip to texas. very restorative -- river walk, prickly pear margarita, sarah, cable tv, hotel pool, brunch, all sunny and southwest. feeling MUCH better and ready to come home. the rest of tonight will be packing, as much tv as i can fit into my eyeballs, and a little sleep before a ridiculously early flight.

until tomorrow, then. onward and upward!

ersatz armor

2010-03-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

struggling a bit over here under the weight of it all. i knew ahead of time that i overloaded myself this semester but i guess it was my typical hubris. foolish, foolish girl. how do i never learn?

now it's all emotional exhaustion while i claw my way through the rest of the semester. just fried, inside and out. needless to say spring break wasn't much of a break. tho i did have a marvelous few days in los angeles. will share when i'm on the right side of a good attitude again. will try to recreate, on the inside, beautiful last saturday at the beach where it was all sun and cool breezes and german boys flying kites, napping girls, and french surfers in wetsuits. when even the seagulls were charming.

tomorrow it's off to san antonio where i get to spend some time with sarah (lovely). now to just write the paper i'm presenting thursday morning. and to get over my sore throat and cough. and not fret that beckett has her horrible allergies back again even tho i spent well over $600 trying to fix it. and to quit worrying about my dissertation that has been in dry dock for what feels like forever. and to scrub the black out of my heart.

busy sleepy boring

2010-03-10T23:01:00.000-08:00

well, it's 2:00am again and i'm exhausted. actually took some pix tonight tho, so maybe i'll get on the visual documenting soon.

today i started teaching the lover by duras which i think is beautiful and haunting. the students took their midterm on monday and i'll be in LA on friday for a conference, so i thought i'd make today a bit of a treat day. brought cookies and did a little intro to the novella and then showed about 25 min of the movie. since today was especially nice weather, everyone seemed a little amped up anyway. glad that i could make it sort of partyish and happy instead of dullsville.

i'll maybe write more about duras later, but just to recap, the MS stuff is still cool. some basic details:

yesterday, pretty baby and i had some lunch at mcallister's around 2:30 and then showed up at my appointment a little before 4. the nurse lady (linda lou!) was super sweet and had beautiful beautiful blue eyes and was chatty all the way through which was nice even when she poked my vein and made blood shoot up all over the place onto my arm (not cool). i just looked away tho and didn't get too creeped out. then i asked her about exercising after the whole thing and she was like, "well, what do you want to do?" so i told her i'd be roller skating as practice for roller derby and she freaked out! turns out linda lou has always wanted to be a roller derby girl, so she took down the website (www.brawlindolls.com) and wanted to talk about it the whole time. :)

some other ladies came in for treatment when i was just winding up and i made them talk to me about their tysabri experiences (all good, thankfully). they were both pretty chatty, so i might have some new MS friends cuz we'll be on the same infusion schedule. we all just sit in chairs with IVs attached to our arms for +/- 2hrs, so we might as well be friends.

afterwards i felt good so i went to free skate and scooted around with my crazy friends. winship was especially nutballs as he tried all sorts of crazy moves at high speeds which was effing hilarious, scary, and inspiring all at the same time. love the winship, for reals.

after teaching today, i worked and then met some folks out for dinner and wine at bistro. which turned into a very long drink at the sparrow afterwards. i swear, i only had one manhattan, but i sipped it (and a few club sodas) foreeeeeeever. ended up talking about philosophy, academics, etc. for hours.

now, like i said at the start of this rambles, i am tired like whoa. feel like i'm living my life tho and not feeling like a sick person who just started a lifetime full of drugs. which was what i was going for.

life is for living! and for sleeping! because sleeping is delicious and lovely. XOX.

so very sleepy

2010-03-09T23:23:00.000-08:00

tysabri day was good. the whole infusion process went fine and i only felt a tiny bit screwy afterwards which was probs b/c i was tense. went to great skate, skipped wine night. feeling super frickin tired right now, so details on the morrow.

sleep tight, internets.

my beautiful tuesdays

2010-03-08T23:06:00.000-08:00

looking forward to another tuesday, which has oddly become my favorite day of the week. i have tuesdays and thursdays off, you see. but by thursdays, i'm usually a bit behind my goals and feel stressed out that another week is almost over. so tuesdays are all fresh and new and hold the possibility of terrific productivity.

so i will be heading to vienna for a vanilla chai and writing. also on the list is a free skate with the raves and probably the now weekly trip to the black sparrow for pizza and half-off wine night. the skating and pizza/wine are dependent on the success of another tuesday addition, my tysabri infusion (which will only happen once a month). gah! i can't believe i'm finally going to start my meds! i'm happy that i'm treating my MS, of course, but i'm a little freaked out about the whole process. will update tomorrow with a rundown, but the basic idea is one hour of iv tysabri drip and then one hour of saline drip. pretty baby is coming with and we're bringing work (and fashion mags, in case i need them). here's to hoping i feel okay afterwards and don't wind up with a brain infection somewhere down the road. the most common side effect is getting sick more often since the tysabri messes with yr immune system.

kind of a big tuesday. it is my most fervent fervent hope that being on these drugs doesn't fuck up my life. i've got lots of shit going on, and getting sick frequently just won't do. i guess it's time to load up on hand sanitizer, soap, and immune boosting foodstuffs. (nothing is getting between me and my cocktails and nights on the town tho so don't be scurred, liver. i won't forget the amount of work you do for me.)

oooooh, and i got my nippon girls japanese pop from 1966-1970 cd in the mail today!!!! it is so fucking rad i can't even find the words. my favorite songs so far have a much more sexy, punky vibe than i would have expected. it's gonna be all martini pajama dance parties at chez backman from now on.

quick quick

2010-03-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

i've been a ball of busy lately, finishing 5 abstracts for next year's mla (4 more to go. god bless it, i better get on a panel for that convention!) and one more post-doc application. um, yeah, it was for stanford, so i'm not holding my breath on that one. i've decided that it is much better for my overall mental health to accept the fact that i'll most likely still be in indiana for next year. i KNOW! i didn't want it to happen either. but i'm no genius and the job market is so far down the shitter you'd think frickin slothrop was down there swimming around with it in some kind of pomo literary joke scene (or was that profane, can't even remember anymore).

at any rate, i shall make the most of it if i do end up here. i'll be done with the stupid degree, pretty baby will still be here, and i can move out of my tiny ass apartment if i want to. the loveable screwballs i hang out with should still be in town and i won't have to get a new neuro-ophthalmologist. so we're looking on the bright side in lafayette.

turned in a chunk of chapter two to my director today and got a draft of my conference paper together for l.a. CAN'T WAIT for some california time. my body is just screaming for the best coast.

more tomorrow -- have a zillion things to do and time slips through my fingers like something slippery and difficult to hold onto. got big plans for this weekend, tho, big plans.

sunday scrimmage

2010-02-28T21:42:00.001-08:00

woke up super late again today and did a ton of housework before heading out to watch the lafayette brawlin dolls take on the circle city socialites. it was insane. and it was just a scrimmage! girls were falling all over the place, there was cursing, an ambulance came, it was bananas. and i really wanna do it. so i think i'm ready to commit. still gotta skate around a bit more and whatever, but i feel like i found my new hobby. i'm a little nervous yet to say 'yes, i'm doing this. let's buy $200 worth of gear so i can get a skate in my face and then break my ass.' but i feel revved up about it and was stoked to see my friend becca score lots of points and be really badass. i was so tense the whole time watching, but i couldn't help yelling and cheering and getting totally wrapped up in it. how did it take me so long to get into this? and is almost-34 a ridiculous age to do something where you need a helmet and mouthguard?

nah.

after i got home, i made some mushroom marsala pasta with artichokes and asparagus. i'm in maje pasta mode these days. thanks to barilla for making multi-grain and extra protein options so i don't feel too guilty about it. now i gotta get to some abstracts for next year's mla and then take a quick shower before bed. bleh to another monday! i swear, the weekend just started!

oh, i did meet some folks out on friday for drinkin at the sparrow. i enjoyed a manhattan and a blood and sand (interesting concoction) and some kind of local ipa that was good. and raves ordered us a buttery nipple shot. so i felt compelled to get another round later on and cute christopher suggested a chocolate cake which i had never had before and which was lovely. then we all put on silly tinted sunglasses that winship said made everything look like beer and everyone got the giggles and i felt happy and very friday inside.

i forget what happened on saturday.

pdg

2010-02-24T20:19:00.000-08:00

made a pasta sauce tonight that i've been seeing around the blog world and it was pretty damn good. maybe i shouldn't have read all the glowing comments b/c it may have been overhyped, but i can say that i'm definitely a fan and that i'm finding myself thinking about now, hours after dinner is over and belly is still full.

so, for lovely pictures and recipe with instructions go here or here. it was the beautiful simplicity of the sauce that got me intrigued, just a 28 0z can of san marzano tomatoes, 5 tablespoons butter, and one onion peeled and cut in half (ends trimmed off, obvi). plop all of it in a saucepan and let simmer for 45-50 minutes. take out the onion and serve over pasta of your choice. (i decided to save the onion remains for eating with some toast and cheese as a snack or for breakfast. man, i wish i liked eggs; i bet that would go awesome.) i went with barilla multigrain linguine and it was pretty magical. i did add some parm and some basil. and we had a mixed green salad and warm baguette with olive oil, balsamic, and minced garlic. hell yeah. oh, two classes of cupcake vineyard cab also.

sore from my roller skating yesterday, but in a nice subtle way. did what seems like not much today, but given my current exhaustion, i must have done enough. so it's to bed early over here and then hopefully a crazy productive thursday.

but here's to the fast-approaching end of the week! i've got burn out and wintercrazy like nobody's business. somebody get this bitch some sunshine and a cocktail. or else.

she likes it

2010-02-23T23:53:00.000-08:00

definitely dug the free skate tonight. i was not all that talented, but it felt really good and it was fun and that's all i wanted to find out. we just tried swizzle, crossover, plow, and t-stop. well, almost t-stop. i chickened out on actually trying to stop that way cuz my skates started to go all wonky and i did not want to crash into the 8 year old's birthday party that was also going down at the great skate.

but maje thumbs up overall. i did not fall down, tho i have a tendency to flail my arms about and lean back when it feels like i'm going to fall down which is definitely NOT the right tendency to have. and my muscles by my shins hurt and i bet my inner thighs are gonna be sore tomorrow. but yayys for putting some skates on and getting out there and feeling like i might actually be good at this with some practice.

also missed a call this morning saying that my MS meds have finally arrived at the infusion sight (woot woot), so i'll be having my first tysabri infusion in the next week or so. ack! i have nervousness about it, but very good feelings about finally starting treatment. let's just all keep an eye on me in case i get a brain infection. i'll post some symptoms soon so blog-readers and life-friends can be vigilant. of course it's super rare, so i'm mostly kidding. but david and i did come up with the plan to lock me in the bathroom in the off chance i turn into a brain fever zombie. we figure i will have water in there and then he can slide food under the door for if i get hungry. but maybe we watch too many scary movies.

charmed, i'm sure

2010-02-22T21:52:00.000-08:00

after a long morning and afternoon of teaching prep and lecture givin, i fell into the rabbit hole that is the food blogging world. my god, it's never ending out there. but worth it, given this little gem of simplicity, elegance, and charm: smittenkitchen.com. i spent far too long drooling over the photos, but emerged with some serious meal plans and inspiration. plus, the chick digs bourbon. a woman after my own heart.

tonight's dinner was tasty but just a repeat, really. grilled halibut and cous cous salad. very tasty and provided enough for leftovers tomorrow, which i do appreciate. especially since tomorrow is free skate at the local rink in practice for roller derby! gah! i don't think i've put roller skates on my feet since sixth grade or something. ridic. but i can't wait. after seeing all those girls swizzle around gracefully and then crash into each other like awesome maniacs, i have been DYING to put some skates on. wish me luck!

(and i wonder if i'll make it to those leftovers or if i'll end up at yet another half-off wine night at sparrow eating fig pizza? meh. at least pretty baby will have some food around if turns into wino hour).

boo/yay

2010-02-21T22:46:00.001-08:00

where the crap has my weekend gone? and how did it get to be 1:45 in the morning?

friday david and i took it easy, watching a movie and eating dinner and just hanging out which was lovely. much needed down time.

saturday, i did absolutely nothing all day except grocery shop and make spinach dip for the hat n mustache party at raven's place. headed over there around 10:30 and had a lovely time drinking fat tires, chatting, and being silly. didn't head home until laaaaaate. took lots of fun pics, but it appears as tho someone absconded with several cameras and phones at some point in the night. very serious boo on that front. wasn't totally in love with camera, but those things are expensive and i'm not particularly made of money these days. gah. my plans to put more pictures on this blog just refuse to come to fruition.

party was fun and good for my brain despite the potentially stolen camera (maybe there's a chance its tucked away somewhere at the raves' place?). i needed a night involving snack food, dresses, and tomfoolery. today i walked back to get my car, picked up some sandwiches for me and pretty baby and got into grading mode, knocking out a lot of in-class work and reading responses. also did a bit of my own writing at vienna, so all around decent day that was (relatively) hangover free (w00t!). had a vague headache this morning, but a couple excedrine migraines and some water fixed that up nicely. OH, and i also did dishes, ironed clothes, and made a green smoothie today too!

but now i remember that i hate sunday nights because they are made inherently depressing by the workyness of mondays. i'm gonna go sulk into a martha stewart living mag until i get stressed out enough to prep my lecture for tomorrow. maybe to bed by 2:30? that's reasonable. for my ridiculous schedule, that is.

snooze

2010-02-18T22:16:00.000-08:00

today was boring. went to mentoring where we talked about grading papers. i could have used it eight years ago when i was starting at dvc without any kind of clue about how to teach or grade or anything. now it's just another hoop to jump through. it's nice to hear what other people are doing in their classes and to share strategies and stuff, but man, i do feel talked down to. and i do not dig.

thankfully, i'm close to wrapping things up, b/c at least with a phd after my name i'll not get talked to like i've never made a midterm before. solemn promise to myself and my future students: i will NOT turn into one of these academics who get progressively more patronizing with every degree. i will also not treat composition teachers like total lepers whose classes are actually some kind of non-classes in which no real work gets done. grading that many god damned papers a semester is hard work -- harder than talking about novels and certainly more painful.

okay, basta with the complaining. sorreh. just had to get it out. rest of the day was lames too. sat at vienna for a while messing around with a job letter for this stanford postdoc (dreamy! swoon! trying to swat down my mystical hopes for this job!) and staring zombie-like at chapter two. chapter two is way the fuck easier than chapter one, but i had zero ganas today and just kept reading food blogs instead of writing. i forgot the novel i wanted to write about today anyways, so i packed up early and grocery shopped. then prepped tomorrow's lecture so i might be able to carve out a little personal writing time before class.

starting nervous conditions next week which is teh awesomes even tho i cry every time nyasha has her freak out. i bet my students will be stoked to finally read a novel with a plot and consistent characters (oops! next time remember to START the intro to fiction class with a real novel and THEN do the connected short stories, unfinished novel thing).

highlight of today was another couscous salad. came home starving and not motivated to do anything other than cut up some vegetables. so the leftover plain couscous got olives, tomato, feta, carrots, cucumber, chopped red leaf lettuce, bell pepper, a few cannellini beans, toasted pumpkin seeds, a little annie's goddess dressing, and a healthy squeeze of lemon. super frickin tasty and healthy! it looked like something a boy would not like, but david ate what i couldn't finish and seemed pleased. i'm craving salads all the time now...maybe it's related to my insane craving for summertime.

tomorrow is friday and then on saturday the raves has her hat and mustache party! yippee! i foresee fun and silliness with a sprinkle of work. the big question is: what beverage to bring to the party? i don't know what kind of mood i'm in. will definitely update when i decide.

now, to sleep! perchance to dream!

lbd?

2010-02-17T23:22:00.001-08:00

didn't get to skate at the brawlin dolls practice tonight, but thankfully so - as these girls do not fuck around. i definitely felt the urge to put some skates on and get out there, but things were looking way more advanced than yours truly. really, i need to practice on the kid rink before i start weaving my way in and out of a line of fast moving ladies.

so before the new girls are allowed to skate with the big girls, we have to pass some general skills tests. which involves things like "plow," "swizzle," and "crossover." as far as i know, all i'm currently capable of is "stand" and "move slowly in forward direction." we're required to go to three consecutive free skates at the local rink and then we get signed off or whatevs. i am certainly down for some tuesday night free skate! after three weeks, we'll see if i've got the goods.

optimistic tho and i really enjoyed watching the practice. then raves and i went for pizza and beer and now home for sleeping. i seriously feel like i went through something at that practice even tho i just sat on my ass and watched! i think i was tense, esp with all the closeness of skates and bodies and people occasionally eating shit on the rink floor. which, let's be frank, was awesome.

oh sh*t!

2010-02-16T23:26:00.000-08:00

while this album's title may seem a little screwball veering towards fetishistic (and with some weird racial ish?), i am already MADLY IN LOVE with it. i've only heard little snippets online and am bribing my little brother to procure it for me on the quick quick. i NEED it right now. and we all know that when you need something, it is a responsibility.

also digging my recently purchased vv brown who rocks the hot pink bubble skirt below. i've been needing high energy girl music for writing lately and her album travelling with the light is taking care of business. a little retro, a little attitude, a little whimsy. dig it. like taking the tired brit 60s retro thing that started with miss winehouse and putting some speed and electronics under its ass.

i have also been really wanting new jewelry lately. since i'm on shopping lockdown, this may need to stay in daydream mode.

anyway, my goodnight benedryl is kicking in (too nervy to fall asleep naturally these days) and, along with myself, i need to put this late 60s pop obsession to bed.

midwest to southwest and back

2010-02-15T21:08:00.000-08:00

had an awesome long weekend in new mexico with the parents. we had tooooons of good food, wine, and hangout time. i think the highlights for me were scalo in the nob hill area of albuquerque and prairie star in bernalillo. i had housemade spinach and ricotta ravioli at scalo and there was a little jazz band with stand up bass, cute girl on guitar, and cute boy horn player. the food was killer and the band was super fun and lively. i had roasted sea bass at prairie star which was tasty and we all had manhattans to start and shared a bottle of zin with dinner. our waiter was cute and friendly and may or may not have flirted with me there at the end. my mom and i also managed to co-drop a bowl of ginger sauce all over the table, splattering pops. oooops. but we all cracked up about it and the whole dinner was full of laughs, really. love the parents.

also explored around albuquerque and drove up to santa fe for saturday which was charming and cozy-looking. i gave my talk friday morning and then promptly forgot all about work for the next few days which was awesome. sorta feelin it now, but the trip was well worth it.

got back sunday night and dove right back into the work grind. i'm looking forward to my tomorrow though; i love my tuesdays! can't wait to park it at vienna and get a shit load of work done. i'm feeling really positive about the writing, so i'm just gonna run with it.

also looking forward to my first roller derby practice on weds! i'm not sure how good i'll be on the roller skates, but i'm ready for some adventure. gotta mix it up when you live in the snowy midwest. now for a quick shower before sleep!

productivity monster!

2010-02-08T21:09:00.000-08:00

i have been a busy girl as of late. had a pretty packed weekend and hit the ground running today by piling up on books at the library so i could prep for my unit on the first man. the existentialists have their problems, but god damn if that book isn't so beautiful it makes me wanna cry. seriously luminous, camus. and he just hits all my literary soft spots -- sunshine, ocean, romance, and a wildly passionate love of life. this is the kinda shit that gets my blood moving. will try not to have hurt feelings if the students don't dig.

so this weekend, i started out on friday by cleaning my apartment like a raging cleaning maniac. my landlady wanted to show it on saturday afternoon, and it was a shitbox for reals. now it is no longer the shitbox! scrubbed the shower, vacuumed, look out trash and the random boxes that had accumulated, did laundry, dishes, and generally scoured. then i was in desperate need of a drink, so i met up with folks at sparrow around 2am. had a couple of beers, relaxed, and came home refreshed.

saturday we had big plans to go ice skating but found the rink closed due to 'unseasonably warm weather.' wha? seriously, it was sunny during the day, but it couldn't have been more than 40 degrees. i was so bummed out. but we did have a nice dinner at bistro before that and then, upon seeing the sad closed ice rink, we went back to bistro and had desert and another bottle of wine. :)

then to sparrow where we hung out and danced and chatted and then back home for me while the others went to have shenanigans at winship's place. sunday i just slept, grocery shopped, and cooked up some foods.

fun meals recently have included whole wheat pancakes with sauteed apples (eeee!) and cedar grilled mahi mahi with creamed kale and sweet potatoes. yummms. not sure what's next on the list, but i'll be heading to albuquerque for a conference on thursday morning, so i might keep it simple until then. plus, i've got 900 million things to finish up by the 15th.

i might have a heart attack or a stroke before then. i can't seem to calm down. even when i'm "relaxing" my brain is going a mile a minute with all the applications to be submitted, papers to be graded, job letters to write, and lectures to give. needless to say, i've been skipping the gym again. haven't gone since last monday. blah.

but it looks like ice skating will happen tomorrow, and then i meet the parents in the 'querque for hiking, restaurant adventures, and santa fe visitations. that will surely be restorative. and then i think things will slow down a touch.

okay, must grade three more papers tonight and then i'm allowed to go to bed. tomorrow is finishing the bilsland fellowship application (it would be a daydream sunshine love crush kind of joy if i got that bloody thing, but let's not get our hopes up), and finishing my conference paper. thankfully conference paper is also a dissertation part. double dipping is so necessary right now.

xox. sleep tight, blog world.

goodnight, wednesday

2010-02-03T23:29:00.001-08:00

meh kinda day today. graded, taught, made a quick target run, watched zombieland with the bf, did some dishes, blah blah. did get to chat with miller tonight which is always fun and makes me feel normal and grounded, like i have a life outside of lafayette, indiana. and a girl needs that reminder now and again.

looking forward to my tomorrow of writing, meeting with some students, and maybe hitting the gym. i'm also thinking about a trip to the local mall (ick, that place is like public transportation with a hot topic and a yankee candle store). but i needs some sugar scrub baaaaaaaad and my favorite black tights just developed a sizable run in the crotchal region. so i might just gather my courage and do it.

forgets forgets

2010-02-02T22:39:00.001-08:00

so as soon as i say i'm ready for my imbalanced work crap, i come up on a series of pretty great, well-rounded days. fine by me.

monday, i had an awesome intro to fiction class in which plenty of students talked and i felt like they got the cool shit that happens in the dew breaker re: theme and format. man, i can't wait until i can teach this book again because the stuff danticat does with speech/silence in each short story is stunning. plus, the structure of the book is just asking for cool undergrad exploration. the fact that there are essentially two beginnings and two endings is sort of cool, plus the circularity and the significance of the central story. it's just an ideal book for teaching an introductory fiction class -- you can really make clear the idea of authorial choice. like, stress the fact that fiction does not come out of a writer's pores like some kind of sweatgenius. novels are about choice and decision and thought and craft.

after that, i hit cardio blast for a super fun workout. i seriously dig adam's classes mostly b/c the cool-downs are way silly hip hop sillyness. a bunch of model-walks, snap-walks, sprinkler dances, and freestylin is exactly what i need to remember that i'm a free loose body in the world and not some teacher drone who is like some brain on wheels.

today i wrote my ass off for five hours and ended up with only six pages of cohesive chapter, but thirteen pages of ideas, and a decent sense of where i'm headed. then went to half-off wine night with the raves, win, and cute christopher where we enjoyed several bottles and several pizzas. we had a fig pizza (figs, bleu cheese, carmelized onions), a margherita (standard), and an el diablo (romesco, red onions, spicy red peppers). rocked the house, for reals.

but i forgot my camera! i've decided (and have gotten permission from the local cool kids) to take pics of the adventures! i need to just learn to bring camera with me...

i'm feeling super lovely balanced now. oh! also monday i submitted half an application to ucla's mellon postdoc. not a whole one cuz i don't have all my letters of rec in. but i don't care! i gave what i could and submitted my shit anyway. fuck it. better something than nothing.

now for some faceplant sleeping and starting it up again tomorrow. i am renewed!

(and i watched 'whip it' last night and liked it, for the most part. am feeling inspired to get more tattoos and join the lafayette brawlin dolls -- lafayette's own kick ass roller derby team. not to be all follower or nothin.)

XOX

embracing imbalance

2010-01-31T22:05:00.000-08:00

so i read all these food blogs and they're mostly about "healthy balance." you know, working out, eating well but not obsessively, enjoying a drink or two, &c. i really respect that concept and i keep trying to make it work, but i've just recently come to terms with the fact that i simply am not capable of achieving balance. never have been. maybe someday i'll be able to pull it off, but certainly not now.

so i've decided to embrace my cockeyed, screwball, up-and-down lifestyle. there's always one thing totally dominating my time and right now it's work. i've been going nonstop lately on school stuff. i've checked a zillion things off my to-do list, and i have a zillion and one left. i'm playing catch up in every other area of my life, but god damn it if i'm not on top of this school shit. maybe barely keeping my head above water, but it's working. so i haven't worked out, called my friends or family, or done anything nice for myself in forever.

this weekend, though, i did try to level things out a bit. vacuumed the apartment (yikes, dog hair everywheres), grocery shopped, and went to a cocktails and movie night at vicky's place. i very much enjoyed the array of spicy snacks, drinks, and company and managed to get not totally soused. which meant that today was pretty productive.

but not productive enough. gonna get back to it here and maybe one of these days i'll get a better amount of fun, friends, and culture back in my life. i fricking hate how STUCK i am right now. no concerts, no art shows, no trips, no new restaurants or bars, no nothing. just work and snow and fucking fellowship applications and lectures and postdoc things due and grading and SHIT! GAH I WANT SOMETHING THAT LOOKS MORE LIKE A LIFE!!!!

but i'm embracing, not bitching. embracing. breathe. if i work hard enough now, i can earn something lifelike for next year. and i have to keep telling myself that 'unemployed phd' is a fine job title as far as i'm concerned. if i know you, i might try to sleep on your couch next year. but by that time, i will have shifted to total fun imbalance so don't worry, you'll enjoy it.

disco disco good good!

2010-01-24T23:27:00.000-08:00

free from headache. i slept until a ridiculous 3:20pm today! even though i REALLY did not want to get up that late, it's probably good that i had mistakenly set my alarm for the p.m. rather than the a.m. i got less work done today, but i am completely without head and neck pain. hurrah to that. sometimes the body just demands things.

of course now it's 2:30am and i am nowhere near sleepy. but i've got to prep and teach tomorrow, so it's time to hit up the medicine cabinet and benedryl myself to bed.

this should be a productive and healthy week, i think. lots of meetings, classes, and writing ahead but it's all pointed in a good direction. i think i may have sorted out my MS meds stuff after another series of phone calls and i should have some important school shizzz out in the mail by tuesday.

had an awesome giada halibut salad tonight and am looking forward to leftovers tomorrow. cooking is really my only hobby these days, but i love it to pieces. beyond the deliciousness of the results, it's the one thing i can do where i am entirely focused on the task at hand. there's no planning my future, no worrying about what other things i should be doing, no negative thoughts of any kind. there's just chopping, slicing, measuring (and not measuring but guessing), tasting, poking, and burning my fingers as i grab things straight out of the oven or pan. anyway, i adore it and i'm glad that i'm making the time. cooking may literally be saving my sanity these days.

yay to food and yay to a pain-free monday on the horizon.

salads for EVAR

2010-01-23T22:25:00.000-08:00

it was a migraine weekend over here in indiana. both friday and saturday it's been headache central, so i haven't done much other than a little light reading and some fashion mag/online window shopping. i've got a decent wish list for wardrobe additions that was fun to compile even tho the finances are not really in a state for wish-fulfillment. i have also decided that i'll be sporting some big 60s hair on occasion. life in lafayette needs some drama.

oh, i also totally lost my shit at the grocery store last night. that wasn't fun. i probs shouldn't have gone out with the headache, but i thought i could have a nice leisurely grocery shop and whatever since i wasn't going out for cocktails or anything. well, i was wrong. i did have a nice leisurely shop in which i picked up a ton of produce, some fun yet healthy treats and a bunch of staples since pretty baby and i were running low on a lot of things. last week was busy and neither of us got to the store.

so i finish up and realize there are no tellers. it's midnight (thanks to my ass backwards sleep cycle), and they're saving money by making everyone use the self-check shit. which is fine when you have a couple of things. not fine when you've got well over a hundred dollars worth of food for you and your special someone. long story short, i've got bags of groceries stacked all over the place, the robot lady keeps telling me to rescan my last item and put it in the bagging area, but there's no more room in the bagging area and there's no room in my cart b/c it's full of stuff and i've got bags and bags of produce that would take forevs to weigh and figure out the numbers for, plus i have wine and beer and the real person attendant is nowhere and my head is screaming and the heat is so jacked up that i'm sweating and flushed so i totally started crying, paid for what i had scanned and left with 3/4 of my crap still in the cart.

not a proud moment for jb. (oh, i also started my period yesterday, so there's that adding to the crazy). honestly, tho i don't even feel bad about leaving the rest of my stuff in the cart. i just wanted a PERSON. those machines are not really human being friendly and if that store doesn't think it's a priority to have people around then i don't want to shop there anymore. so the payless on beck lane can suck it. i went to another grocery store today and spent my money there -- where they had the human being service that a girl with a headache needs.

tonight, my entertainment was an enormous salad and some garlic naan and a fat tire. very delicious. i have two favorite salads right now -- one is red oak lettuce, tomatoes, green onions, carrots, olives, toasted pecans, and gorgonzola with a sprinkle of balsamic and the other (which i had tonight) is red oak lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, carrots, olives, toasted pumpkin seeds, and feta with a good squeeze of lemon. i could eat these salads CONSTANTLY i love them so much. do normal people crave salads the way i do? man, what i wouldn't give for a garden. can't wait until i have yard. i need more dirt and plants in my life.

well, since headache is still with me, i think i will go cuddle up in my bed and rock back and forth in the fetal position until i fall asleep. SO saturday night, i know.

boo.

you've gotta feel it deep and leave it all on the floor

2010-01-21T23:03:00.000-08:00

said some old blues guy, some time in the past. it's been my motto, especially for teaching, for a real long time now. something about that particular phrasing hits home, helps me immerse myself and stop the self-doubt and urge toward perfectionism that can be totally crippling (and make a person's life suck). i think it also captures the passion and willingness to open yourself up, to put yourself out there that any kind of performer has to have to be any kind of good.

i don't think my classes have been especially passionate or moving lately, and i really wanna change that. i think assigning seven novels that i've never taught before may have been a mistake...hard to be eloquent when you've just only figured out what to say. but i've got to get excited again and stop all the worrying. worrying, you've been a part of my life for so long, i'm not sure what i'll do without you. i banish you nonetheless. and good riddance.

wrote a job letter today for a postdoc for which i have the old proverbial snowball's chance in hell. sent off an article for publication (it kinda SUX but i wanted to get something out there), and almost finished polishing another pretty crappy article destined for the same mediocrity. but it's progress and it has got to get done. if you don't try for anything, you'll never get it, non?

i think it's gonna be a non-stop workfest grindhouse shithouse shitstorm for maybe even the rest of the semester. but in ten minutes, i'm gonna try for my eight hours. and then tomorrow morning i'm gonna work on the joy.

and the leaving it all on the floor. for reals.

2010-01-20T23:17:00.001-08:00

just gonna check in real quick like to say it's busy busy around these parts. i picked up some steam and have managed to get some shits done. lots left to do tho and i am exhausted. i hope to amp up the blogging soon -- maybe get some more direction and document some of my local adventures with pix. for instance, there was a wine and pizza night at the sparrow last night that was both delicious (fig, bleu cheese, and carmelized onion pizza? yes, please.) and entertaining. that kind of thing needs to be recorded for posterity, obvi.

anyway, about to die of school overload but i'm pushing forward.

onward and upward, everyone.

back on track is looking more like off the rails every day

2010-01-12T23:39:00.001-08:00

siiighs. had a failure day today and no one likes the failure.

sat at vienna making a mess of the same two pages for three hours. got frustrated and took a break to call my doctor's office about getting on the MS meds. again. it was unwise. i should have known better. i totally teared up outside the cafe b/c the office manager told me that she was *not* the person i needed to contact, but instead i should be talking to my drug company. even tho both the drug company and the insurance peeps said to call the doctor. so i'll be playing call-everyone-and-their-god-damned-mother again tomorrow and see what new crap they will invent for me to do. really, it would be amusing if i didn't need to be on medication that i can't seem to get. at least i feel fine. i need to get more mean with these a-holes.

tevs. after writing disaster mess and doctor disaster mess i went to the library to screen some vids on africa and the caribbean (cote d'ivoire and guadeloupe, specifically) for my clase. THEY SUCKED! all the ones that i found (and there weren't many) were either in french or so totally 80s and craptastic it would be punishable by law for me to make anyone watch them. so there was an extra hour or so down the shitter.

yeah, crabby pants backman over here. crankiness led to poor choices re: booze and stacy's pita chips. so we can add self-control failure and healthiness failure to the growing list. did manage to not meet others at sparrow for half-off wine night and pizza tho. that's something. i def did less damage at home than i would have there. will save that for next tuesday. ;)

and i did head to the gym yesterday, so i'm feeling nicely sore from that still. and will head out again tomorrow. i just wish i could get myself riled up about the semester and whatnot. guess i need another manifesto. right now it just feels like brain confusion and dread. oh, and maybe some wintery depression feelings. i am prone to those.

sorry for the whinging, but it had to come out. will upright the whole collapsing structure on the morrow. after i hang out in bed, hiding from the world for a while.

workin on workin

2010-01-11T22:13:00.000-08:00

day one of spring semester. lost whatever excitement i had. now drinking some wine instead of finishing up my wednesday lecture. i think it's just a little petulant child sitch where i'm having a hard time transitioning from lovely vacation time to "work time." i give myself a day or two before i'm back in the swing of things. i am looking forward to taking myself to coffee first thing tomorrow and knocking out my chapter one revision. it's time to get the show on the road with this writing biz.

had a pretty awesome last holiday weekend. met some folks for martinis at bistro, moved over to sparrow where many beers were ingested and then wrapped the evening up with an ENORMOUS vegi sandwich and fries at kirby's (+ a fat tire. and a guinness. and a shot of tequila rose. which reminds me of a patron shot that happened at bistro). anyway, that sandwich saved my ass and i woke up on sunday headache-free and without any pukey type feelings. i did have a general spaciness and what have you, but that's to be expected. it was super swell to see my drinking buddies again and i got lots of hugs and cheek kisses and general good cheer to make the semester seem less dreary.

last night i made macadamia crusted mahi mahi, mango/pineapple salsa, and beans n rice. was pretty good. better tonight tho cuz i toasted up some of the leftover macadamia nut topping and added it to the fish and lots of extra lemon. not sure if i will repeat this one, but it was super easy (esp for an alton brown recipe). i think the fish was just a little too bland/buttery for my particular set of tastebuds. i prefer lots of spices and strong, tart flavors. at least when it comes to fish consumption. happy to experiment, though, as always.

okay, tired of listening to my neighbor bang some overly emoting skank. i mean WOW. what a faker. gonna put my headphones on, turn up the serge gainsbourg, drown out porny mcgee, and finish the lecture.

a little bit rock star, yeah?

2010-01-08T22:49:00.000-08:00

so even though one of my goals for 2010 is to deal with my hemorrhaging bank account, i decided to spend my christmas money frivolously. i mean, it's holiday cash, peoples. it deserves something shiny. so i was crushing on this pair of tory burch pumps and then they went on sale and they had my size available. when the shopping gods smile down on you in that way, you don't look them in the mouth or whatevs. you know. (i've had a benedryl so as to get myself asleep before 5am, so it might be a mixed metaphor night.) anyway, ya esta:

they may be a bit hard to see, but you get the general picture. black leather, gold studs, nice heel height and shape for the rough midwestern winter months. should go with many wardrobe items and will fit in nicely with the more ballsy look i want to cultivate. idea here is that clothing ballsyness will serve as an assist to my overall demeanor. esp given the fact that this afternoon, my director stared her oddly penetrating eyes at me and said 'get it done.'

yes, ma'am.

(i secretly like to be bossed around sometimes. and stern ladies do so keep me in line.)

anyway, LOVE my new shoes. they came in the mail today and i stomped them around the apartment, making david pay attention to them. and to the cute box and wrapping they came in also.

but on to more serious things. my new year's resolvers! maybe better understood as goals!

Health

- find a way through the bureaucracy maze and get my first tysabri infusion (hopefully in feb)

- more green smoothies

- fish 4-5 times a week

- serious gym action + free weights at home

Beautification Situation

- be better at maintaining hair/eyebrow/pedicure conditions

- do my god damned dry cleaning

- buy new sugar scrub

- dress cool n shit

School

- write every day, extra on tuesdays and thursdays

- apply for postdocs

- no more conferences

- do a good job teaching my lit class but don't sacrifice the writing

- finish. don't worry about next year too much. just finish.

Financial Disaster Management

- cut grocery bill by 1/3 by sticking to my list and taking advantage of sales

- no new dresses! (i am allowed a new pair of jeans and one pair of slacks)

- cut bar bills by taking advantage of good specials and interspersing club sodas

- cut restaurant bills by going out on half-price wine night. save 1/2 of dinner for leftovers

- try to get travel grants for my conferences

Other

- arrange girl's reunion in arizona

- try lots of new (but affordable) recipes, practice baking

- talk to my mums 1 or 2 times a week

- keep my apartment tidier

- more arty, less academic

alright, i am feeling very chilled out in an extremely benedrylled kinda fashion. sweet dreams all! i think 2010 is gonna be big. and i'm excited to get going with this semester (but i'm feeling too floaty and sleepers to put an exclamation mark here.)

don't look back, baby

2010-01-06T22:51:00.000-08:00

2010 inaugurated by a hard drive crash that wiped out everything but a newish version of my dissertation.

music gone, pics gone, a million various and sundry writings from the last two years of my life. two years of private, creative, and academic writing has just been skidaddled out of existence.

hmmm.

good thing i am not a girl who believes in portents, signs, or other such mystical stuffs. it prob would not bode well to have things go that sideways on jan 3. but lesson learned and new jump drive acquired. new external hard drive will be purchased on the asap and never again will i leave my digi life all unprocteded. and thank all that is good and reason-filled that i emailed myself that diss chapter. it's not the newest, but i'm trying as hard as i can not to pine for those minor changes and two pages of new material that are now off in the ether.

so the going motto for 2010 is don't look back.

even tho i feel somewhat like a kid who's been spun around a million times before taking a swing at a pinata, i know i will find my footing. and i'll try to see this as a fresh start to the year. 2009 was kind of a loser year anyway. i mean, i traveled a touch, i saw my friends, i was a good teacher, and i was a solid (if occasionally a bit bitchy and maniac, sorry luv) girlfriend. but i also got a whole lot of barely anywhere with my own academic progress and got diagnosed with MS. (and let's not forget that god damned spinal tap that led to the diagnosis. i seriously vote that worst thing of 2009. no one wants a big motherfucking needle stuck in their spine or to feel the numbed out but still there sensation of their spinal fluid dripping out of their body. gnarly.)

in a weird way, i feel like i have nothing behind me. it's all future. tomorrow's thursday and it all starts now.

01/01/10

2010-01-01T22:46:00.000-08:00

lazy day around these parts. had a mellow nye at home last night with my man and some home-made cookin, nice wine, and caramel apple pie. woke up hangover free which has to be some sort of new year's day record for me. one i probs don't care to repeat, but one my this morning self sure did appreciate. to make up for it, i had some champagne this afternoon while watching a scary movie and eating snacks. nice indeed.

haven't made any official resolvers for 2010 so far, but they will be coming soon. (i'm definitely my father's daughter in the quasi obsessive list making dept.) but the big ones are ones that i've been working on and been serious about for a while -- like finish my bloody phd, keep it strong with my handsome and inspiring bf, make sure my dog stays alive and healthy, and keep good track of my friends and family. of course, all of these things need maintenance and attention like anything living and breathing does.

all in all, i'm feeling positive about the big stuff and ready to stalk, tackle, and submit the rest. let's all get rowdy and successful in 2010.

adjusting

2009-12-28T23:33:00.000-08:00

getting back on the midwest wagon here. barely. been trying to stay motivated about my resolutions, so i've vacuumed and tidied and organized, grocery shopped, worked on the diss, and caught up with friends. i've even (slowly) started working on the six pounds i managed to gain in the seven days i spent at my parent's place (!). i imagine that once i get back into my normal routine, the six will come off quite naturally. will keep you posted. i'm imagining i'll be back to regular weight/jeans fitting appropriately in the next week.

still feeling a bit bluesy abt leaving my beloved west. had to scratch a bunch of snow off my car today and use my special 'writing gloves' at vienna because it was fricking cold in there. (my writing gloves are cute little red fingerless mittens that mums bought for me last christmas and they really help! i never knew i would have occasion to really appreciate fingerless gloves.)

made my dad's famous caesar tonight for dinner and put too much lemon. tasty tho regardless. now i'm gonna look over some writing notes for tomorrow and pass out. i miss the super soft sheets at my parent's house. boohoo. (i'm whining internally now). boooooooohooooooo.

vacation continues on though! i will sleep till noon! you can't stop me from reveling in my free time, you stupid snow covered indiana!

phx -> ind

2009-12-26T11:19:00.000-08:00

sighs, sunny time vacay time is over. once again in an airport having eaten a mediocre bagel. thankfully this time i do NOT have a pile of blue books to deal with. finished those suckers, submitted grades, and ate/drank myself silly in arizona with my beautiful and nutty family. had a lovely time all around and, of course, am sad to leave. there really is something so soothing and healthy (despite the booze n foodfest that is the backman house) about the southwest for me. fixes my insides somehow. it's a combo of the time away from work, my messy apartment, my routine + loving family + starkly beautiful and exotic landscape. i just always leave feeling cleansed and ready to attack my life again with new focus and vigor. which i will address in a later post.

but before i board, i will say that the standouts of the week included a three mile christmas morning hike, a dickensian early christmas dinner, lovely presents, copious champers, buying treasures at bon, the inclusion of my brother's beautiful and charming fiancee in the traditional festivities (a perfect addition to the family!), tennis with my brother, IN N OUT, extended family dinner with liar's dice, lounging with food tv, shopping with mums, cooking with dad, ETC ETC ETC.

so good. too short, but enough to recharge and leave me feeling totally spoiled and immensely loved. (don't tear up at the airport, jb. don't tear up at the airport. ah, what the hell. who cares? tearing up.)

can she do it?

2009-12-19T10:31:00.000-08:00

at indy airport with a carry-on full of blue books. had a mediocre everything bagel, some mediocre airport coffee, and i'm just about ready to tear this grading business up. i'm cruising on +/- 7 hours sleep in the last 48 and i'm feelin a little crazy. but trap me in a airplane for four hours, and i think i can finish it all. then i'm gonna drink a bottle of champagne and sleep for a week. maybe sporadically waking up for snacks.

finished a TERRIBLE second draft of chapter one last night. 44 pages of meandering crap, but an improvement over the previous version. i have high hopes that next semester will be more productive. i do feel like i have a million ideas and that i can sort it all out given a decent amount of time. so here's to hoping.

okay time to focus and knock some shit out so i can enjoy my family time in the southwest.

fixification

2009-12-14T21:17:00.000-08:00

i need like nine different kinds of beauty help right now. one of the worst parts of end-of-semester-time (and wintertime in general, i suppose) is the total disaster mess i let myself become. i need a hair trim, an eyebrow wax, a pedicure, etc. i feel a total monster right now. though a hot shower after a trip to the gym has me feeling slightly less grotesque than earlier.

plus, there's the emotional ugly. it's the stacks of final papers and the sitting around in adidas track pants all day that does it. and INVARIABLY there's some student who doesn't remember when (and where) the final paper is due even though i've been plastering that information everywhere for weeks. this semester there were like 5 dudes who were completely clueless. all that wasted speaking. why did i even bother when they just figured they'd email me at the last minute anyway? sigh.

enough grouching. cardio blast was awesome today and i made a very delicious dinner that was grilled mahi mahi with an olive/caper vinaigrette (recipe for vinaigrette below), yukon gold mashed potatoes, and a happy little salad (with a squeeze of lemon and some feta, my new favorite dressing). very satisfying. i also vacuumed, did dishes, and tidied up around the apartment. which barely made a dent, but whatevs, don't hate.

before bed, i will read some more internet and then alphabetize my stack of final papers. everybody knows that's the first step in the grading process. the alphabetizing.

olive vinaigrette

(real simple wanted me put this on pasta with tuna fish, but i didn't do it. just put it on top of the mahi mahi instead. i also messed around with the measurements and ingredients a tiny bit, as usual. but this is what happened and it was damned good. and a little goes a long way.)

1 tbsp olive oil

2 cloves garlic, finely chopped

1 tsp capers, rinsed, drained, chopped

1/2 cup kalamata olives, pitted, roughly chopped (i chose some that had been marinated and pitted)

2 tbsp fresh lemon juice

several good turns of black pepper

saute garlic in olive oil, add olives and capers and cook for a few minutes. add lemon juice and pepper and poor over something delicious. how easy is that?! (i guess that's the point of real simple, though, right? at least we know they're not false advertising or nothin.)

losing it lost it getting it back

2009-12-10T20:11:00.000-08:00

end of semester work shitstorm over here. i've got student drafts coming out my orifices, my own looming chapter deadline (whhhyyyy can't i finish this chapter?!), and a large stack of finals coming my direction next week. add 15-20 degree weather, frozen car doors, pms face breakout, and malfunctioning apartment gear and you get a seriously cranky jb. not to mention the endless bureaucracy that is a relentless part of grad school.

but i got a bunch of stuff done over the last few days and i have some sense of freedom on the horizon. next semester also looks like some oasis of joy and productivity. so the current mantra is just get through next week. just get through next week. just get through next week.

if i don't go on a wild rampage of violence and mayhem in the next few days, you will find me soaking in champagne and christmas cookies in arizona. then maybe happy fun jen can come back and be pleasant instead of being this unshowered, disheveled, angry, and funless rage bomb.

prob i'll just get my period and be fine tomorrow. hormones! woohoo!

boo

2009-12-03T18:59:00.000-08:00

apparently, broken garbage disposal equals water dumping out of my dishwasher tonight. BLAH. cleaning up that disaster mess sucked. because of course we didn't notice it until it had pooled up into everywheres. all of this made me seriously want a drink and i was supposed to go out to bistro tonight but that fell through and now i'm just feeling crappy with no recourse to martinis. usually i'm the first one to open a bottle of wine at home, but i'm just not feelin it right now. maybe that's because i want to murder my apartment.

grumpy. and now i want to treat myself to something but there's nothing good around.

mid range lazy

2009-12-02T20:42:00.001-08:00

all that productivity yesterday gave me broken brain today. so i taught, worked out, "made" some indian food (i.e. steamed a bunch of vegetables and added a jar of archer farms vindaloo sauce, which was good but not real-indian-food kind of good), and talked on the phone with deese for like two hours. and watched the end of the italian job which i believe to be a damn fine movie. actually clever heist movies are hard to find and then there's mos def as a plus. and mark wahlberg, and jason statham, and seth green, and charlize theron. so, yeah, like the movie.

i also seem to have broken or otherwise fucked up my garbage disposal which is both sad and gross. there are now potato and carrot peelings floating in a low pool of greying water in my sink. sigh. guess tony the handyman will come calling soon and i'll probably greet him, yet again, braless and pajama-ed in the mid afternoon. why is it that i ALWAYS manage to look like an unemployed and smell like a bar when he comes to fix stuff? i swear, most of the time, i'm clothed and smell quite nice.

tony will also have to help me deal with the toilet in my downstairs bathroom that has been running non-stop for two days. i tried jimmying several thingies in the top part to no avail. usually my random monkeying around with those pieces parts yields some kind of success. the constant noise is starting to drive me a little batty, tho, i think. like it's just generally stressing me out such that i might crack and start throwing things at the toilet soon. you'd think that it could be like one of those zen fountains or whatever. but it's not.

i think it's time to do some dishes in the unfucked up side of my sink, take some benedryl to drown out the noisy shitter, and focus on tomorrow's potential for greatness.

actually excited to get down with laptop and some vanilla chai tomorrow morning at vienna. here's to hoping that smart words come out my fingers.

more productive than healthy

2009-12-01T21:12:00.000-08:00

so it was reverse-o day here and i graded papers until my eyes were crossed. i wasn't totally unhealthy, but i didn't work out and i just ate whatever. whatever ended up being pumpkin oatmeal (really, put a few scoops of pumpkin pie filling in your oatmeal tomorrow. it's awesome, esp with a little almond butter and some blueberries), a veg sandwich for lunch (with blue corn tortilla chips and a pickle), and leftovers from last night. oh, also had a nonfat caramel latte while grading at k.dee's today. finally getting back on the coffee wagon occasionally. it's like i don't know who i am without it. it would be like waking up one morning and realizing i don't want whiskey anymore. i mean, who would that jen even be?

well, this jen needs a shower and a good night's sleep. tomorrow is an easy teaching day and a trip to the gym. hopefully i'll be combining healthiness and productivity from here on out. now, if the dog would just walk herself tonight, i'd be set. it's effing cold out there now!

healthier than productive

2009-11-30T19:37:00.001-08:00

sunday blues are gone and monday business is here. today i made healthiness top priority (after teaching, of course), and decided to back burner the 1,000,000 papers i have left to grade. so i grocery shopped for the week, went to cardio blast and made a nice dinner. we had lemon cous cous, sauteed veg, and grilled mahi mahi, and some garlic naan. very tasty. and i just had two pieces of my mom's homemade fudge which i adore and which reminds me of my childhood.

but now it's 10:40 and i'm exhausted and slightly headachey. so papers will prolly sit around until tomorrow at which point i'm going to have to get pharmaceutical to get these bastards done (by Wednesday, as i promised). it will happen though, since all i have to do tomorrow is teach at 2:30. will park it at vienna and grade and write for the rest of the day. i really do love my tuesdays.

and next semester will be off the charts cool because i'll only be teaching from 3:30-4:20 mwf. how bloody amazing is that!?! with a schedule like that, there's no reason not to finish my dissertation by may. i'm gonna be a writing monster, for reals. and hopefully a job getting monster.

i'm still finalizing my syllabus, but it's an intro to fiction class that i'm going to do transnational / world lit style. it'll focus on journeys/quests as a theme and i think i'm gonna do revenge quest, quest for love, and journey to adulthood. maybe sounds weird right now because it's a little undercooked. what does not sound weird tho (to me) are my books! i'm almost sure about doing these guys:

The Dew Breaker, Edwidge Danticat

Who Slashed Celanire’s Throat?, Maryse Conde

The Lover, Marguerite Duras

The First Man, Albert Camus

Changes, Ama Ata Aidoo

Nervous Conditions, Tsitsi Dangarembga

Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez

yayys! got two african novels, two caribbean, two bi-cultural french pseudo-memoirs, one latin american novel (which i've decided is transnational enuf since it takes place in a 'port city'). the only challenge i foresee is freaking out with excitement for all these new novels to prep, and letting the class take up all my times. but i'm too happy to care.

now to do something school related before i put face to pillow.

completely incapable of doing work today

2009-11-29T21:14:00.000-08:00

was a good worker all break long, and then today NOTHING. could barely motivate to wash the dishes. just forced myself to take a shower and it was exhausting. at least i'm all prepped and ready for classes tomorrow. not that i'm ready to head back into teaching mode after this lovely holiday time.

quick recap: had some tasty indian food for dinner on thanksgiving, took pretty baby out for dinner for his birthday the next night, and generally enjoyed a lot of special food treats and sleeping in. and my presents were a success! i was afraid they'd be too boring this year, but he seemed very pleased overall.

now i feel like all the wind is out of my sails and i need a day to sleep off all the excess that i've been courting for the last few weeks. ready to get back into the fold tomorrow for sure! working out, grading, eating well..........okay, blah, just lost my steam. i prob just need a good night's sleep.

in closing, here's the frickin delicious apple cake recipe that my mom sent me. i have no idea where it is originally from, but i looooooooved it. fatty and bad for me, sure, but a very wonderful treat. (and it worked out really well for brunch, i think.) okay, goodnight people. i hope that i can gather myself together to write a little more frequently in the coming weeks. esp if i can make myself document my attempts at acting like a healthy adult before i head west for christmas (so that i can act like a spoiled, alcohol soaked child for a week!).

Caramel Glaze Apple Cake

Cake

1 cup packed light brown sugar

1 cup sugar

1 ½ cups vegetable oil

3 eggs

3 cups all purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

2 teaspoons cinnamon

½ teaspoon nutmeg

½ teaspoon salt

5 granny smith apples, cored, peeled, diced into 1" chunks

1 ¼ cups chopped pecans or walnuts (I used pecans)

2 ¼ teaspoons vanilla extract

Caramel Glaze

4 tablespoons butter

¼ cup sugar

¼ cup light brown sugar

Pinch of salt

½ cup heavy cream

Instructions

*Preheat oven to 325. Butter and flour 9 by 13 inch pan

*To prepare the cake, beat both sugars and oil in a mixing bowl until well blended. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Sift or whisk together flour, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt; gradually add to egg mixture, mixing just until blended. Stir in apples, pecans and vanilla, pour into pan. (my batter was very stiff -had to scoop it into pan).

*Bake for 50 to 75 minutes or until toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Let cool in the pan while preparing the glaze. (I baked for 55 minutes).

*To prepare the glaze, melt butter in a saucepan over low heat. Stir in both sugars and salt; cook over medium low heat for 2 minutes. Add cream and boil for 2 minutes, stirring constantly.

*Poke holes in the cake with a skewer or toothpick. Pour on the glaze. Serve warm or at room temperature. Top with whipped cream or ice cream if desired. Makes 12 servings.

pickled and pleased

2009-11-22T21:03:00.000-08:00

uff, the weekend whirlwind of drinking continues. full update tomorrow, but it was another drag shows and champagne brunches kind of weekend. today did involve +/- 12 hours of champagne consumption and despite that somewhat horrifying fact, i feel great. must be b/c i ate my weight in brunch goodies. (oh and my apple cake went over like woah, so yay for that. recipe also tomorrow).

funny few days all around. today was unhealthy amounts of lady gaga, potato casserole, apple cake, mimosas, and bagels. friday was healthy amounts of hairy drag queens and unhealthy amounts of cheap vodka drinks (yuck! what was i thinking? not very me at all. i even had a peach long island at one point? wha?). woke up saturday feeling not pukey but certainly crazy headachey. too hungovered to go downstairs, i found a nearby dayquil and slept until 4pm. not really sure when i went to sleep, but that had to be closing in on 12 hrs. nuts.

needless to say, a bit of a detox is on the horizon. not going anywhere for thanksgiving should help in that regard. don't care for most of the trad fare anyway. it's indian food and scary movies for me and pretty baby. can't wait.

also exercise, vegetables, paper grading, and dissertation writing. will be good, for sures.

xoxo

i'm a freak bitch, baby

2009-11-16T19:07:00.000-08:00

yeah, been listening to a bit too much lady gaga today. but that 'bad romance' vid is pretty effed up and awesome. and i must say that there is something liberating abt putting yourself in the freak bitch category. it must be my suburban background, but losing that play nice mentality sure sounds good sometimes.

then i realize i'm mostly a really nice person. can't help it. and prolly freak bitches don't get really excited when their lemon couscous and veg saute turned out really well. so good! delicate, simple flavors but seriously hit the spot. recipe totally stolen from this food blog. just bought a box of far east pine nut couscous and made it according to the directions but put in some olive oil, juice of 1/2 a lemon, and zest of the whole lemon. sauteed zucchini, onion, carrots, asparagus, and garlic in a bit of olive oil. i hate cooked carrots so i really just barely sauteed everything and piled it on top of the couscous and sprinkled some parm and chili flakes. added a little balsamic for some extra tanginess. ROCKED. also heated up some garlic naan (international flat breads or some such? effing crazy awesome). anyway, very satisfied.

now headachey and sad at all the grading that has piled up during my weekend galavantings. siiiiighs. this is what i get for putting city fun first. (well worth it tho).

time to get at it.

down with boring, indeed

2009-11-15T19:23:00.000-08:00

in the spirit of my previous post, i decided to taken raven up on the offer to visit her in chicago on friday night. even tho i (and the bank acct) could have benefitted from a weekend at home, the more action! more adventure! side won out and i drove winship and myself up to hang out at the palmer house hilton with raves and her friend chris.

car ride included spicy chex mix, brownie and coffees from starbucks, and dj win who played santogold and a bunch of other stuff that was fun and that i can't remember now what it was. got to chi around 6:30, got ready with the other kids, and took off for dinner drinks and dancing. dinner was fish tacos and a few other tasty treats at carnivale. then we stopped by their department party at the hilton on michigan avenue which was already folding up when we arrived. (while there i tried to invent a cocktail involving tea and vodka. fail. do not try this, even if you have a fruity type tea.)

from there we attempted a trip to pops champagne bar which was very cute but also very full. ended up at a piano bar called the redhead (or something along these lines) -- oddly, the same bar i ended up at with sarah and the girls during her bachelorette weekend. i think this bar is so unspeakably dull that it leads to crazy decisions. in the case of the bachelorette weekend, it led to a gentleman's club where we bought sarah a lap dance from a stripper with tape over her nipples. this time, we ended up at a gay club in boystown dancing to frighteningly loud techno and drinking vodka redbulls until 4am. highlight was def the drag queen who was a very well built african american guy sporting a black mesh top, gold corset, black tutu, tremendous eye makeup, and sparkly blue lipstick. AWESOME. LOVED IT.

crashed around 6am with the help of some prescription relaxers only to be woken up 5 hrs later by a text from brian who wanted to get brunch. oddly, i felt wonderful! i suggested we all visit orange and it was a success all around. standout here was the fruishi (obvs) and the mimosa flight. i had my three little champers mixed with watermelon, pineapple, and strawberry juice, respectively. whoever invented mimosas was a genius, i could have sipped those little lovelies all day long. instead, we went for a nice walk along the lake and brian decided to put some of his extremities into the lake which was entertaining.

then home, happy and tired and feeling very fulfilled. slept like 12 hours last night. now feeling entirely incapable of doing my schoolwork. will prolly put self to bed again soon and just get up early tomorrow. cannot wait for a good week of working out and healthy eating (gonna try the lemon couscous and vegetable saute from here).

at any rate, still terrifically tired and happy. it was a memories-to-keep kind of weekend. sleep tight, lovelies.

skyscrapers raced her and were left behind

2009-11-11T19:50:00.000-08:00

art, love, and happiness: the new manifesto

there's just something about san francisco that brings out the manifesto in me. maybe it's drinking a beer at revolution cafe in the temperate fall afternoon, maybe it's the no-huevos rancheros with hipsters at saint francis fountain. but it's not all fists in the sky manifesto in me this time.

it's also the just-so rumpled elegance of russ and ciana's berkeley house, deanna's spare but luminous condo in the enormous jutting form of 1 Rincon Hill. waking up in her fluffy bed to that view put the stars back in my heart. getting to hang with fritz again, meeting his sweet new wife, trying a million delectable tasties at beretta, dragging mills and crew to 20 different boutiques so that i might find a dress for the conference. everything so woke up my insides. and while i feel an urgent desire to hit the gym and be a priest of restraint for for a while, i feel such immense clarity and happiness at my life, such as it is.

i just let so much drudgery into my day-to-day. enough of that. so, in that general theme, i say

more brave! more action! down with boring!

style: clothes with more guts and color

home: finish my flower string light project, frame the various prints laying around

write: take that dissertation down - every day now, no excuses. two hours creative writing every week (more after i secure a job for fall).

love: careful appreciation for the terrific in people and encouragement of their greatness, no more bratty petulance when i don't get my way

teach: with more joy and more art and more enthusiasm

cook: return of the green smoothie, full acceptance of shrimp eating, practice baking

it's time to get some punky aggression back into the game. time to stop thinking that my life is somehow waiting for me down the road.

the wrong side of 5am

2009-11-05T17:43:00.000-08:00

up until 4? yes, sure. up at 4? no, no thank you.

alarm went off at 4:30 and i made myself some caramel tea and forced half a packet of banana oatmeal down before i hit the road for indy at 5. drove for an hour, bleary and cold-ridden and arrived at a chilly indy airport. took a dayquil, slept until denver. an hr layover, slept until sf with my only real discomfort being screaming ear pain upon descent. goddamn, flying with a head cold can suck.

then took the airtrain from terminal 2 to terminal 1 and took BART until montgomery stop. then walked to dee's place dragging my roller bag and carrying my heavy purse. by the time i got up the hill to her monstrous apt building, i was a sweaty coughing snotty out of breath disaster. i actually stopped to catch my breath before going in the building b/c facing the array of attractive concierge dudes in my state seemed really unappealing.

got into her apartment and passed out on her couch for a ridiculously satisfying two hour nap. during which i had the most amazing jen dream EVER! i know that reading abt other people's dreams kind of sucks, so i will keep this short. my girlfriends and i were in a lovely boutique/bakery run by a beautiful brunette french woman and her daughter (who was about 5 or 6?) and everything was just BEAUTIFUL -- cookies and little cakes and earrings and dresses and cafe au laits in adorable cups and bowls. she was giving out little tastes of intricate pastries and i had the feeling that i could have everything i wanted.

needless to say, i woke up feeling sort of enchanted and much healthier. took a majorly restorative shower and walked down to peet's coffee on 1st and howard where i'm now sitting with a nonfat caramel latte, staring happily at the san francisco skyline. just pleased as punch to be alive and in my proper place. yes, this city does magic to me.

soon i will meet the fritz (fritz!) and a few others for cocktails at bloodhound and then probably nyquil myself to sleep. tomorrow will involve miller and little brother and grading and polishing up that damn paper and then a lovely dinner out with the ladies.

oh left coast, i love you.

i refuse!

2009-11-03T20:27:00.000-08:00

to get sick before my san francisco trip. so screw these sniffles n sore throat feelings. already i'm bummed that my super workout and super work plans for this week are pretty much ruined. but i just will not have my cali plans ruined. so i stayed home from the gym and let myself sleep a bit longer than normal this morning. had lots of tea, gargled with salt water (apparently this is a thing?), washed the sheets, and have been washing my hands like a maniac. don't want to get pretty baby sick either.

so i'm crossing my fingers that this thing gets no worse. i'm not even taking cold medicine b/c i read that it can just keep the cold longer. okay, well, if i feel like craps tomorrow before teaching, i'm taking some damn dayquil. i have two lectures back to back tomorrow and that's enough to wear me out when i'm feeling like my regular super hero self.

everything else in the life is swell tho. got into another conference -- this one is in april in montreal. hope i can come up with some cash to get there...at the very least, it's a 'acceptance' line on the cv. i should probably stop with the conference thing soon tho and focus on publishing. but that's so much scarier!

okay, gotta read a little before bed and suck down another hot tea before that. let's cross our fingers that i wake up tomorrow feeling like healthy sunshine!

another saturday for the record books

2009-11-01T20:45:00.000-08:00

but it was halloween so i guess that sort of goes without saying. paid a visit to the english department party which was fun and lively and involved costume awards (for which i was nominated but didn't win - i was marge again this year and that big old blue wig gets a lot of giggles!). i had two newcastles and snacked some snacks in the kitchen and chatted with a few people and then split when i realized someone had drinked up all my remaining newcastles. boo.

walked to muse to meet raven, win, and others. did some dancing, hung out for a while, ended up at the black sparrow for more dance and somewhere in there the entire town got shitfaced. i must say, yours truly remained the paragon of mid-range tipsyness. intermittent club sodas do help in this regard. someone at the table next to us puked. right on the table, blech. someone else at that table was alseep (sitting straight up, head bobbing occasionally) for the entire time i was there which was at least two hours. everyone else was dancing maniacally, spilling shit everywhere, and causing general mayhem. win and i tried to give our whiskey shots away at some point and no one would take them. somebody swiped my black trenchcoat from banana that had my keys in the pocket (siiighs) and i borrowed win's 70s sport coat to walk home in. split before things could get any more wrecked and got home around 4? got a call at least a half hour later that the party was still continuing but by that time i was cozy in bed with my doglet and entirely out of halloween energy.

but, man, i got more attention as marge simpson than i have in ages! what's up with that? i can't even count how many boys talked to me last night. if i weren't wildly in love, i'd reconsider my hair style. :P

i will leave you with the gem of the evening, imo -- a voice mail left by win for adryan who lovingly took it down and posted it on fb. it was definitely funny at the time, but not nearly as funny as it is now. i guess some backstory is that win called adryan at like 1:45 and she didn't pick up so raven and i were trying to get him to hang up but he was resistant. so, in it's entirety for everyone's enjoyment:

You have been, I'm sure, happy this evening and I'm drinking water in a weird way. . . . Say goodbye? Okay, I'm supposed to be saying good bye and I love you, which is true. I do. Love you. But without the bye part. Because I'm just getting started. No. Not wrap it up. No. What's up. Yeah, that's it. What's up? Because I haven't seen you and it always makes me feel bad when I don't see you. . . [during which he's debating with Raven about why he never leaves her messages?] . . . I love it when people call me, even when I don't respond because the messages are the best and I listen to them over and over and sometimes I try to record them. Wait, are we walking?

saturday was a show stopper

2009-10-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

okay, i've given myself ten minutes of blogging time, so if i run off into oblivion at the end, please forgive. i've yet to do some reading and i would also like to call miller tonight so that we might discuss an impending san francisco trip (!).

the most interesting thing lately was saturday, which began with english muffins and almond butter and ended with 5am pizza and some sort of domestic beer. i curled my hair, donned my new tocca shift dress (thx to discount web sites, hurrah), put on some glowifying avocado oil and met some folks for drinks at bistro where i enjoyed a french martini with a lemon twist.

from there it was to the black sparrow for cocktails and chatting and v.o. came out despite the fact that she and the others had been up till all hours the night before. patrick the funny waiter made me do a twirl in my new dress and we drank salty dogs and grey goose vodkas and got antsy enough to go dancing at zoolegers, the one gay bar in town.

where i decided that i MUST make this very sad and beautiful drag queen dance with me. she did not want to dance with me. neither did her blonde softball-girl friend. but my cohorts wanted to dance and so we did and also by that time one of our party began to feel restricted by her party dress which resulted in a LOT of knickers-seeing and general exposed skin. held up the front of her dress like a 3 year old. repeatedly. which i found immensely charming. (we had raspberry vodka and sodas here).

tired and hungry but not tired tired we all walked back to winship's for frozen pizza, brewskis, dancing, and playing music (and some slam poetry?). and i brought beckett over and she had a marvelous time getting attention and cuddling. i walked across the street back to my apartment at some ungodly hour, told pretty baby "i'm a revolutionary" (or something along those lines) and passed out until 2pm on sunday. with only the twinge of a hangover, mind you.

it was a strange night and fun and now i've gone over my allotted time by two minutes! off i go, into the overly complex and somewhat dreary world of iris murdoch. and then to the telly.

buenas noches.

and a happy wednesday to you as well!

2009-10-21T22:28:00.000-07:00

so wednesday was pretty good. taught a couple of decent classes and then skipped the gym to clean and organize around the house which was much needed. there was even a scrubbing of the shower involved.

then i made fish tacos (yum) with guacamole and fresh salsa, claro. ate them while watching a few episodes from 30 rock season 3 which is good and funny tho seems to be falling short of previous seasons, imo. we're only on disc one tho, so i'm hoping things will pick up.

gotta get up early tomorrow and attack a pile of midterms with inhuman dedication. promised to have them back by friday and they're just sitting in the corner over there collecting dust. but tomorrow i will make a cup of sugar cookie tea (obsessed, i'm obsessed!) and dive in. as a reward, i may head to bistro 501 for some wine with friends in the evening. i've abstained from the booze since big corn maze night out, so i'm feeling ready for a cocktail.

and after all the cleaning i did today, it (read: they) will be much deserved!

to bed!

puffin likes almond butter too

2009-10-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

made a quick indy run today for trader joe's supplies and a mall trip. i had hoped to find some tall wintery boots but ended up with several pairs of socks and two headbands from j.crew (?). random sure, but i have exactly zero pairs of matching socks right now (aside from the exercise kind) and my hair is driving me crazy. so socks and headbands.

and good haul at trader joe's where i bought 3 jars of almond butter this time because i am an addict. gave beckett the tiny bit leftover from my last jar and she definitely shares my likin for the almond butter -- she carried it around the apartment and finally settled down on her little dog bed until i was afraid she was gonna detach her jaw or get her face stuck in the jar. well, even puppies need treats from time to time.

made it home in time for a meeting with my dissertation director which was fine, but for which i really need to do more in the future. my writing output is not what it should be. but a new plan for tuesday and thursday coffeeshop writing mornings will be put in effect to remedy the problem. if i'm at home, there are just a million puttery things i end up doing.

now i'm in dire need of a shower and sleep. planned a lecture for tomorrow and have all my ducks in a row for the next (and close to final, hopefully) step in getting my stupid MS medicine sitch set up. let's all collectively cross our fingers for that one.

i'm also going to give sleeping a whirl without benedryl assistance. so let's cross our fingers for that as well. sleep tight!

so sleepy tonight!

2009-10-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

even tho i napped half my day away, i'm so super exhausted right now. i guess an evening of midwestern corn maze tomfoolery and attendant drinking really took it out of me. the sheer amount of junk food i ingested yesterday probably has something to do with it too. there was a spiked hot chocolate from starbucks (what? corn mazes are chilly!), a caramel apple and almost an entire elephant ear (which is like a churro, but a hundred times bigger), and then a margherita pizza and cocktails at sparrow. all very delish.

but there was a lot of walking, some see-sawing, and hay-pile jumping at the corn maze. and then dancing at the black sparrow, so i'm sure i worked off some of that biz...

overall, saturday was a total success. it was a perfect october night for the corn maze; we went to the 'haunted' one and the corn was so tall and eerie, it was wonderful! and there's just something foreign and scary about midwestern farms to a californian. and what a lovely fall, small town feeling in the air. the little concession stand thing above had to be one of my favorite parts of the night. i'm so captivated by lights, you guys, it's kind of silly. but it was all very tom waits scenario and felt very movieish last night. everything seemed charmed.

suffered a bit for it today, but all in the name of adventure, yes? i have quite a work week ahead of me now tho and i still need to catch up on my reading before class tomorrow. so it's time for me to finish sipping on my sugar cookie tea (so good!) and crawl in bed with a book.

xoxo J

i made shrimp scampi all by myself!

2009-10-14T22:02:00.000-07:00

peeled and deveined shrimp even with these ex-vegetarian hands! pulling off the little feets was a little effed up, but i got through it. then threw the little guys in a bit of butter, olive oil, s&p and garlic. when they were all pink and looking edible, i put lemon juice, parsley, and crushed red pepper. piled them on some whole grain pasta with steamed brocolli and parm. very tasty! still adjusting to the texture, but will get there shortly. this will be an awesome and relatively quick addition to the weeknight repertoire for sure.

now listening to a bunch of old morphine which reminds me of angrier days and the late night runs i used to take around san ramon, heart broken and pissed off and fatter than i should have been. man, glad to be older and happier.

still love that chunky bass line tho, morphine. xoxo.

tiny week ahead

2009-10-13T20:20:00.000-07:00

i'm a bit sad at myself for not getting as much done as i wanted to during october break (no, really?) but there's just a tiny baby little week ahead of me now, and it looks to be pretty easy to deal with from over here on tuesday night. just some in-class writing and peer review for the composition class and a midterm review and midterm-taking in american lit. totally dealwithable.

hopefully this will allow me to get more of my dissertation craps done. picked up a pile of books yesterday at the library and i'm looking forward to settling into them. got some transnational lit stuff to try and win that mellon postdoc position at ucla in the fall -- it's a maje stretch seeing as the current fellows are all harvardy and cornellish or whatevers, but might as well give it a go.

hoping to get into a conference in canada, one at ucla, and one in san antonio too. getting all this school biz in order is a bit exhausting. but i do get to present on iris murdoch and alimentary imagery (read: food) in albuquerque next feb, so yayys to that! gonna make mother and father join me for a long weekend so i'll get a cv line and family time.

but what a snoozefest work post this is! i also went to the local mall today which was a MISTAKE. tried on numerous pairs of hideous jeans and a lot of sports gear that didn't hit the mark at all, man. i guess now i can continue my online shoppings with the mental comfort of knowing that there's nothing locally available. shipping costs suck, but not nearly as much as the tippecanoe mall. that place makes me want to kill myself.

well, my brain is buzzing too much to keep writing now. first to looking at a few of those library books and then to relax with the newest bust magazine. totally stocked up on magazines today, but i've rationed them out to myself. only one a night!

until tomorrow, internet. sleep tight.

greasy mouth and entire digestive system blech blech

2009-10-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

i need to scrub out my mouth n' insides because dinner out tonight was not a treat. pretty baby and i thought we'd give bluefin bistro another whirl, since they're right downstairs and all. plus, they've been open for a while now and have revamped the menu. sadly, we were both disappointed.

i started with the spicy shrimp appetizer which came breaded and fried when i was expecting grilled, so that was kinda sucky. they were tasty tho TRES TRES greasy so i only had a few. then we got the 'mixed salad' that came with our entrees which was 99% iceberg and 1% chopped tomato (snooze). then i got a super greasy 'grilled' mahi mahi and a vegi and potato side (no choice about yr sides, btw. everything comes with the same side.) that was all grease and salt. david had an overcooked filet and we killed a bottle of klincker brick zin in no time flat. the wine helped the meal go down, but now i'm headachey and generally having crankiness. a little over $100 for that? not again, my friends. c-note dinners are hard to come by on the grad school budget, so i'll not be visiting downstairs for food again. i'd do some drinks there and i'd give desert a go, but blech-central on the food front.

tomorrow is another sleep-in day since we're on october break. awesomeness. i've got lots of work to do tho, so it's time to zonk out early and then wake up for a cozy fall workfest. got lecturin, writin, and organizin to do.

oh, i did lift weights again with d on saturday, that was cool. i'm pretty good at it and i'm getting better, y'all. soon i'll be up to 25 lb dumbbells in each hand for the clean n' press. doesn't sound like much yet, but it will be heavy enough for me and my wimpy arms. i still have my heart set on big muscles by december. i figure i'll scare colleges/universities into offering me a professor position with my uber-defined arms and thighs.

it's a no-flaw plan, really.

sillies

2009-10-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

i have them. i can tell because i've been making songs all night - about how many cookies i'm gonna eat, abt how hard life is for beckett (it's hard!), abt how much i don't feel like prepping a lecture tomorrow - it's endless, really.

all i really feel like doing these days is eating a lot and working out a lot. both of which i've been doing. after cardio blast yesterday, i met up with raven win and paul at d.t. kirby's and ate an entire (huge) vegi burger plus fries and three beers. it was heaven, not gonna lie. i was so stuffed tho that i woke up still full. which is kinda gross, i suppose. it was nice to get out and those brewskis relaxed my gym-tired body like nobody's business.

now i'm looking forward to a nice long october-break weekend which will be full of organization, writing, sleeping, and quality time with the bf. i feel like we've both been working so much that i hardly spend time with him (even tho we're like 5 feet away from each other most of the day). that's grad school for you; you can be in the same room and still be a million miles away.

i am so glad i'm not going out of town even tho it's rainy and dullsville here. dullsville is exactly what i want this weekend. and one date night and one night where we watch tv on dvd and eat candy until forever and tons of sleeping in and maybe hanging out at some coffeeshops.

okay, time to get it together and plan that lecture tomorrow. ah, friday, i'm so excited for you!

small problems with productivity

2009-10-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

got derailed from my work plans by some cookie making. it had to happen. i mean, i had extra eggs! so coconut chocolate chip cookies are now sitting on my countertop being little temptresses. had two (and some cookie dough, don't lie, self) and they were pretty tasty. and i used half wheat flour and most everything was organic, so they're, like, totally healthy. i'm sure.

well, i did do my grading and reading for tomorrow and also found out that puffin (aka beckett) is allergic to ragweed and that is the source of her allergy torments over the last few months. does anyone know if ragweed is really common in lafayette? i guess i'll have to google it...

anyway, nice to know what's bothering poor piglet and that there are ways to help her in the future. as you can tell, she was also very concerned:

her other new nickname is snoozles, for obvious reasons. puffin is my favorite right now tho. funny how you can have a dog for 10 years and still come up with new nicknames. and songs, too, i'll admit. there are songs -- current one is 'beckett, grow your hair back! go beckett, you can do it!' much less funny in writing, i suppose. there's also a song abt how beckett likes to put herself to bed early sometimes, but i'll save that for another time.

for now, to sleep! and hopefully be ready for a slightly more productive day on the morrow.

full of energies

2009-10-05T20:44:00.001-07:00

i was like a cardio blast demon at the gym today, i had so much energy. will prolly sleep like a baby angel and then be dead tired tomorrow as a result. but that's always a good tired anyway. i am so gym obsessed right now! and puffy cute gay instructor adam is back! i missed him very much and his sassy little hip hop cool down maneuvers. (let's not confuse cute puffy adam with my other favorite instructor -- cute nice-body ex-cheerleader whats-his-name who i also love).

got home starving and threw some tuna salad on a whole wheat tortilla with lettuce and hot sauce. inhaled it and then went about the business of actually making dinner, which was a vegi stir fry on top of rice noodles. super yum. this double dinner situation may take me more toward fatsville than i want, but i've been so good about exercising i don't really give a good god damn. and i feel frickin terrific, so there's that.

finally got the insurance situation rolling on my MS medicine front, so i hope to start that up on the quick quick. i still worry about not feeling as good after i start, but there's nothing like imagining that your brain is getting more weird white spots on it to get a girl in the mood for medicine.

tomorrow is a nice, easy day and i'm looking forward to sleeping in and some relaxed grading of papers. then maybe some more gym and maybe something fun in the aftertimes.

buenas noches, amiguitas!

before bed

2009-10-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

i thought i'd pop back in and say that my mood has improved. had a breakthrough on my winter look, which i really should have seen coming. for the last few weeks, i've been obsessing over shirley manson's character in the sarah connor chronicles. her stylez are all severe, structured dresses with futuristic touches. love it. see?

there's something sort of cruelly refined about it all. i love that her face shows her age and i love her big hair. her character gets more interesting as season two progresses, so if you start watching and think she sucks, give it time.

anyway, i stopped by the sale at adidas.com's slvr store and picked up some gear that i've had my eye on since the full price days. bought these guys, which i consider to be a more casual version of "ms. weaver, stylish killer robot from the future":

almost bought this bad daddy, but decided against:

will maybe buy later if one of the new purchases doesn't fit. i better make a slow transition between killer robot and my current look which has just been dresses dresses dresses! and the kookier, the better!

well, no mall for me tomorrow. done spent all the fall clothes money i have for the time being!

disappointed

2009-10-03T19:25:00.001-07:00

well, nobody likes to be at home at 10:30 on a saturday night with nothing good to do. especially when somebody thought it was going to be cocktail night. but whatever. sometimes saturdays are disappointments. and i make my own fun.

so i'm just gonna stew around for a little bit and then get on with things. maybe i'll find something arty to do or maybe i'll get ahead in my reading so that sunday is freed up for better things. maybe tennis tomorrow and maybe the local mall (sad as it is) for new sports gear and a pair of jeans. i hate jeans shopping more than i hate bathing suit shopping, you guys. it's hard for a girl with big thighs and a smaller waist! if things fit my waist they have a death grip on the thighs and if jeans fit my thighs, there's a big old gap around my belly. not to mention that none of the fancy jeans help a girl out with this issue. so i'll be trolling around macys looking for trouser jeans soon. siiiiiiiigh. finding some sexy mean looking sports gear should lift my mood tho.

ugh, i don't like my life very much tonight. i wish i had more friends here. i think i'm gonna go sulk for a bit.

where does all the time go?

2009-09-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

i feel like i've been running around all week and yet don't have many stories to tell. there have been gym classes, a pretty awesome martha stewart pasta recipe involving a spinach and pumpkin seed pesto, drinks out on the town, and a ton of grading.

one fun night started out with just me and the raves at bistro for some casual martinis. it ended up with us befriended by noisy, curious strangers and doing irish car bombs. and a shot of patron. and some champagne. then we got invited back to a portly man's apartment but we graciously declined and i walked home to sleep half of sunday away while raven got up for spinning class and some other really too active sounding stuff. lafayette can be a peculiar town when you let it be.

took becketts to the vet on thursday in indianapolis to fix her severe allergy sitch. i think there has been some progress. or maybe i'm just projecting because i spent $320 dollars on a variety of pills and blood tests. crossing fingers that doglet will be less itchy and less molty looking soon. i'm proud of myself that i managed to get her over to the vet, get a hummus sandwich at pita pit, and get home before teaching all while just vaguely hung over from a wednesday night at the sparrow. i guess i have been going out a bit more recently...

also learned that night at the sparrow why i don't like jenga and it's totally valid! in jenga, there is no winner -- there are only non-losers! how can you get invested in a game if the entire goal is not to be successful but to be not-unsucessful? that game is for people who hate themselves. or for people who like to see others fail and then laugh at them. so, i feel totally justified in my dislike. always rather achieve a positive than avoid a negative, right? so face on that, jenga.

tomorrow should be pretty much all sunshine and light over here, as long as i can get it together to work on my job letter and some conference abstracts. i have seriously burning daydreams about heading back to cali, so i'm sure i can find the motivations.

what a full and lovely sunday

2009-09-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

ended up with a more action packed sunday than i would have imagined. nice that i'm just showing movies in both my classes tomorrow. so, slept in and then had a leisurely english muffin and almond butter breakfast with my morning internet and cup of caramel tea. then david and headed to greyhouse for a bit where i worked on my job letter and made it almost readable rather than total rubbish.

came home, quick changed, and headed off for some tennis with a couple of english department folks. i had hoped to dominate and squash all contenders with my tennis skill and general aggression feelings, but i won one game and lost two. then it started to rain. but i did feel like i was getting warmed up and starting to remember how to play again; i mean, craps, it's been over a year since i've picked up a racket. gearing up for some consistent sunday tennis now and that makes me happy.

then home for some leftovers for dinner -- a new mahi mahi recipe that involved lots of sauteed onions, white wine, whole wheat croutons, and gruyere (well, recipe called for gruyere but it was way too expensive at storesy the other day so i subbed some parm and swiss and that turned out grand). had it with a lettuce, apple, pecan, and gorgonzola salad. so good!

then to raven's for some tv watching (new jason schwartzman show on hbo -- pretty funny!) and snacking that didn't need to happen but did anyway. had some nice girl time and made gym plans for the week.

swell day all around and now i'm ready for a good amount of asleep time before this looming monday. i'm thinking of all my friends and family tonight and wishing they were closer and wishing them lots of luck in their endeavors this week! it seems like so many people have big things to do. i'll close my eyes with good thoughts for everyone tonight. xx.

mucho mejor

2009-09-18T23:50:00.000-07:00

closing in on 3 in the a.m. here in lafayette, in. pretty much my ideal bed time.

so the evening picked up. i realized that the sour mood was probably hormonally based--ah yes, the eternally elusive yet so right on time pms. an entire lifetime of this baloney and still i get confused. i should know that when i can't really figure out what's bugging me, it's prolly the premenstrual crankies. extra rage, extra malaise, extra whatever-that-other-french-word-is-that-people-mispronounce, well you know what i mean.

so, unhappiness pinpointed, i graded my last two papers and started on some reading. then texted by the raven (glowing peerless uproarious raven!), donned some liquid black eyeliner, messed up the hair, put on some black clothes and heels and headed to sparrow. enjoyed two ketel one n' sodas (+ healthy squeeze of lime) and chatted with a guy from her dance company whose name escapes me.

starving, i convinced them to go with me to d.t. kirby's where i inhaled a salad sandwich and their frickin magical house-made french fries with their magical house-made ranch. also had to have some ketchups, claro. split a bucket of beers and watched the drunks stumble around and be entertaining. watched the owners holler loud over the clientele, happy and prosperous with their cozy late night bar being the only one in town that serves food til three. their bar stuffed with people gulping beer and knocking back shots and sipping cocktails and crunching sandwiches made me so happy. i love love love the local places doing well and being successful. hope they're raking in the cash money.

so now i'm home after a responsible 4 drink night, content and bellyfull but not overly so. ready for sleep and work and sunshine and a good light run tomorrow at c-bog. happiness regained.

but before turning in, i'm curious to inquire about other drinkers out there. i find that four drinks out is a very lightly tipsy night for yours truly, mostly sober in fact. 6 is tips. 10 is drunk but not sick. more than that hasn't happened for a while, so that's prolly good. but by my calculations, a grad school night out can definitely end a girl up anywhere between 6-10 on any given night. all this bodes well for my liver, i'm sure. so what are your general drink numbers? i've lost all sight of what a "normal" person imbibes.

but i'd say i'm averaging 4-7 for nights out and 0-1 on nights in. positive strides for a girl who used to pride herself on drinking large men under the table.

now i just go for keeping things even. wink.

you shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you

2009-09-18T19:00:00.001-07:00

listening to some bob dylan (i will NEVER get sick of 'like a rolling stone' no matter how overplayed it might be. i think it's just delightful.) and finishing up some grading, and then hopefully out for a few hours before retiring for slumbers.

def need a break from the student papers for a minute tho, so bloggery it is. had a pretty nice and productive day all around -- taught, did dishes, went to greyhouse with pretty baby to work for awhile. while there i enjoyed a nonfat chai latte and graded like a superhero, blasting through 8 papers--leaving only two more to go!

but somehow i feel a mite depressed in the back of my head. what's that about? i don't mind that my weekend involves no big plans; in fact, i kind of like that. class went okay today and i'm all set for monday already. so what gives? i can't put my finger on it, and i don't like that one bit.

to remedy, i will finish those remaining papers and do some cleany type housework. perhaps eliminating some clutter will help with my cloudy horizons.

hope to have something cheerier in the morning!

in the throws of a minor gym obsession

2009-09-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

went to another 20/20/20 class today with raven and the instructor was a cute, muscley, gay boy who had lots of rhythm. very fun overall. i am so obsessed with exercising again after my long break from it! i feel sort of ridiculously heavenly in my body right now. it's not all fab or nothin, but all the parts are working well and i haven't even been that tired at the gym lately. i guess i'm just stoked that over 3 weeks off didn't mess me up that much. and (knock on wood or other such superstitious behavior) i've not pulled anything or even overdone it. taking tomorrow off for good measure.

afterwards, i showered and got down with some annie's mac and cheese (to which i added some steamed brocolli and lot's of frank's red hot). not as good as the white cheddar version, but tasty regardless. had a little leftover smoked salmon baguette thing from bistro, but could only choke down so much of it. too fishy and too squishy for me at this juncture in my fish eating. i was waaaay more into the creme fraiche, capers, and other little bits and pieces than i was into the salmonyness. now i'm contemplating poking around for something sweet...

the other parts of my night mostly looked like this:

me, laptop, and bulldog cuddles. i looooooooove my cuddles from beckett. she's pretty cat-like in terms of affection, so the paw and face smashed into my thigh is pretty much all the snuggling i get until it's bed time and then she curls up by my belly and snores big snorey grumbles until morning. poor puppy is still allergy-ridden and losing hair left and right despite a change in her food and a new antihistamine. guess i'll be heading to a bulldog specialist in indy soon to see if he has any new ideas. pobrecita. she's still a happy little monster, so i suppose that's what matters most.

looking forward to the weekend very much, even tho it will involve a lot of grading. i expect that fun and happiness will abound as well.

sleep tight, internets.

good and good

2009-09-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

did a little 20/2o/2o class with raves at the gym today and it was pretty swell. everything seemed to go so fast that all of a sudden it was all done and i'm all tired and sweaty and sore and not bored. so that was cool.

then shower, light dinner, and meet up with several folks at bistro for half-off wine night and snacks. lovely lovely. glad i wasn't the only one who didn't want to wrap up at 9:30 when things seemed to wind down at bistro. several of us wandered the few blocks to sparrow where almost everyone enjoyed the evening special -- sam adams and a shot of bourbon. yes, please. i had one of those and two salty dogs.

finally, at the end there it was raves and win and i who (and i hope i'm representing them appropriately) NEVER want to go home and always want to stay stay stay and have whatever fun it is last forever. we decided to make this last midwestern fall/winter in lafayette the best one and full of adventures: apple orchards, corn mazes, big winter boots and hot buttered rums at the bar. i PROMISE to make this winter a not miserable experience. i have such a hard time here usually because i feel so trapped. and so cold! but adventures will abound.

because this is my LIFE! and i need to find the best things that i can where i am. so adventures to follow. stay tuned!

ah, my body is mine again

2009-09-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

finally went to the gym and it was awesome. did a 55 minute cardio kick class that was stuffy, hot, and chock full of people, and i didn't care at all! man, i needed that workout. after being sick for almost two weeks and stressbombed with school prep the week before that, i went waaaaaay too long in between exercising. and when i'm not working out, i'm generally a cranky girl. so yayys for the co-rec. i payed my $45 for the semester and, as far as i'm concerned, the pass has paid for itself so helpful it has already been to the mental health.

came home, vacuumed, showered, and ate the holy hell out of a hummus wrap and some way-too-healthy amy's vegetable soup. hot sauce, parm, and tons of pepper helped, but i'll not be buying that one again. hummus wrap, tho, was everything i thought it could be. one extremely large glass of cab and some sparkly water also played a nice part of dinner. and i made myself have three large waters before the wine so that i can hopefully avoid the post-workout wine headache.

feeling quite happy even though i tossed aside a little work in order to go the gym today. time to get back at it, i suppose. it's the closing days of on the road and the beginning days of the ethnographic profile unit for my respective classes. also in the midst of grading personal response papers and "writing" a job letter which so far has resulted in 5 papers graded and a lot of general staring. time to suck it up and dive back into the fray.

i think i'm going to sleep so very well tonight. i hope you do too.

the great honesty initiative

2009-09-14T21:08:00.001-07:00

maybe this is a little heavy for a monday night, but it's a part of the larger jen's great health project which is currently underway here at nobeckettno. to ease into things, maybe i'll tell you that my simple but delicious dinner really hit the spot. some amy's cream of tomato soup with homemade croutons (garlic salt was oddly key here), parmesan, cracked black pepper and crushed red pepper. one small piece of organic spinach and feta pizza. one point five glasses lapostolle 'casa' cab. sentence fragments that i would scold my students for, but tasty dinner bits nonetheless.

so a lot of us have character traits we're not proud of, but i'm of the firm belief that people can willingly change most of these given real determination and some time to get it right. i have a trait that has begun to horrify me and makes me want to put down everything else until i iron it out. but, hopefully, i can fix this in addition to keeping my job and shit.

somewhere in my development, the old "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" turned into, "say the nicest thing you can" which is politeness gone all kinds of wrong. because instead of disagreeing with someone, i started to just pick out the things i thought were okay and respond to those instead. bad news.

i've grown into a MAJE conflict avoider. i hate upsetting people or even making them uncomfortable. when i realized i didn't even want to tell the blockbuster girl what i thought of a movie i had rented b/c she obviously liked it and i thought it was craptastic, i knew i had some ish. i mean, the movie girl will recover if i tell her i hated it.

now, i'm not a total fucktard agreer; i do disagree with people and i've had my share of arguments. i just see this gross thing in myself that i don't like and it's time now to knock it off. my urge to be nice is fine. i'm a kind person. that's good, and i'm glad i'm nice. but not at the expense of just saying what i think.

and when did my value become not giving my honest opinion, but making people happy? when did i decide comfortable was better than true? and a scarier question: why?

i think this will be a hard habit to break, but i'm up to it. and i think before i can figure out how to be honest without being rude, i might just have to wing it and go filter free for a while.

so, if i seem oddly bitchy for a while, sorry. xoxo.

for reals, now.

2009-09-13T20:11:00.000-07:00

it is time to get healthy. i'm finally over this cold and i'm feeling good and it's time to get the ducks, put them in a row, and make them do turbo kick at the co-rec. for effing serious. i'm tired of feeling like i'm one step behind my life and three steps behind my health goals. i've done well on the class prep front, slightly worse on the dissertation front, and suck balls on the working out front.

all will begin to be remedied on the tomorrow! i did some important things today too like washing the sheets multiple times (beckett had a minor poopcident, very fun to wake up to), washing beckett, doing dishes, planning classes, making comments on student drafts, &c.

yesterday, i treated myself to a short indy trip in which i shopped my little organic heart out at trader joe's and saw my dress resolve crumble before my eyes at anthro. but whatevs, it is a very multi purpose kinda dress and it was on sale and then marked down even more b/c of a little mascara stain. $60.96 instead of $128? you bet it's gonna happen. and it's a little orange treasure, see?

not that i look quite like that in it. add abt three more thighs to this girl's thigh and we're closer. (sadly, my hair does look like this with some frequency lately. bummer that the knotty, messy look only works on models.) also got a whacked out necklace that looks sort of arty 60s. decided to walk away from several cute but $$$ basics at the j.crew. winter stuff at full price there is laughable. $98 for a plainish sweater. my arse. and the blazer i crushed on for $188 had cheap-ass buttons and wasn't even properly pressed. so eff that. i'll pick it up in a couple months for $69.95.

well, i've hit my money and clothes threshold for a while. and i swear, i don't want to step in a grocery store even once this week. tho i stupidly forgot sparkly water, bananas, and diet caffeine free coke on my last run and those are all pretty much daily necessities. (have gotten myself down to one coke a day, btw).

wore new dress out (along with a cute silver and crystal necklace from the parents) last night to meet up with raves, bk, and win. had snacks and martinis at bistro and then a couple of beers at knickerbocker before retiring kinda early. it was mellow all around, but very nice to get out of the house. i've been feeling sort of shut in and depressed about it lately. also stopped by k.dee's today for some tea and work time and that was nice. so super sunny, not a cloud in the sky kind of day here.

so, looking forward to an energetic and super productive week! here's to a little less talk and a little more action.

midnight, stuffed

2009-09-10T21:13:00.000-07:00

we've been eating really late dinners recently and tonight was no exception. sat down with a full plate of food at 10:30pm. it's like spain all over again but without the beauty and general sexiness. sigh. but when breakfast happens at noon and lunch at 5, it's hard not to get hungry again at 10. it's a little screwy, but it works. i'm at a happy weight and i was healthy girl all day. there was oatmeal with blueberries and almond butter for breakfast, veg sandwich for lunch, and dinner was grilled marinated mahi mahi, sweet potato, baked beans, and small salad. pretty delish all around.

i'm such a creature of habit, it's kind of funny. i get on food kicks and eat the same thing for weeks on end. thankfully, pretty baby is like that too and doesn't mind that i've been making the same veg sandwich off and on for like a month now. if you'd like to meet it, here it is:

it's made of:

- whole wheat arnold's sandwich thin

- 2 tbs. (or less) reduced fat chive and onion cream cheese

- tomato

- cucumber

- black olives

- sprouts

- walnuts

- red onion

- red leaf lettuce

- and sometimes avocado

vegetable sandwich's best friends are baby dill pickles and stacy's pita chips. and sometimes hummus. and always an ice cold caffeine free diet coke. i am really in love with this sandwich.

but enough abt me and the sandwich. was a fairly productive girl today, but still have a few things to do before sleep time. like put the damn clean sheets on the bed. which i ALWAYS save until i'm tired and don't want to do it but obviously have to do it because there are no sheets on the bed. (i only have two pairs of sheets and i hate putting a clean pair in the closet because they invariably smell like closet instead of right-out-of-the-dryer sheets and then i get annoyed). probably this says a lot abt me, but i don't know what.

also should shove more dishes into dishwasher because my favorite little pot is dirty and i don't like to make my morning tea in any other pot. there are a lot of reasons the little pot is the best one, but i haven't the energy to go into it.

and did you know that i drink tea every morning now instead of coffee? ever since food poisoning extravaganza in san diego, i have almost no desire for our friend the coffee. i'm almost sad abt it because i'm a coffee person, god damn it! tea is for people who like doilies and british shit and things that need to be treated delicately.

but, argh, i'm a tea drinker now despite myself. i even bought a double bergamot english breakfast tea yesterday. isn't it funny when you change right out from under yourself? i love that people change, it reminds me that anything is possible in this world. tho i usually prefer to do my changing on purpose.

something sparkly

2009-09-09T21:26:00.000-07:00

in the mood for something lovely, like a party or a trip or a special compliment or a new exciting happening. been working hard and feeling sickly and now i'd like some excitement outside of the classroom, work realm. gonna try to get something sparkly together soon.

and what should i be for halloween this year? and can it involve pink crinoline without being little-bo-peepish? gonna start some planning...

still have gnarly headache, so i think it's time to walk the doglet and head upstairs toward beautiful pillow and cozy bedness. it is time for this cold to be gone from me so that i might get back to feeling like a human being again -- back to working out, responsible cocktail consumption, and better, less zombie-like teaching abilities.

bought extraordinary amounts of produce at the grocery today to help out on that healing up front. then i had mac n' cheese for dinner. ha. but it was amy's organic white cheddar and i put steamed brocolli in it AND i had a salad.

anyway, here's to a clean(er) and happy september. i'm ready for some excitement!

long snoozy weekend

2009-09-08T20:34:00.001-07:00

so that cold hit fairly hard and forced me to sleep away almost my entire weekend. when i woke up, i watched a brickload of heroes season three. not thrilling, but certainly healing. all i had left today was a cough, screaming headache, and maje tiredness. much improved overall, tho. i'll not get into details, for your sake.

sent a chapter draft to rowe today which is good progress. i also have a terrible draft of a job letter and a worse version of a dissertation abstract. at some point today, i just simply lost the ability to focus on my job materials. instead i played around looking for conference call-for-papers which is job-related yet way more fun than trying to write about yourself. then i planned kerouac: day one for great american books. there will be jazz, there will be about 15 minutes of the source, and there will be a mini-lecture on sal, dean, and the ladies. friday, we'll talk america and authority, and next week onto my favorite on the road lecture/discush 'jazz, IT, and race' in which i get to explain what a wine spodiodi is and we all try to define IT without ruining IT entirely.

can't say that i dig everything the beats are up to, but long before i even knew who kerouac was, i had the "the only people for me are the mad ones" lines scrawled across poster paper and hanging over my bed. and isn't it beautiful when your work feels like art? there is beauty and joy and total embrace of life in those crazy speeding across america not afraid to be weird screaming maniac beats. sadness, disappointment, wrong turns, and loneliness too. but we'll save that for next friday when we say goodbye my 50s mad men. until then it's all fabulous yellow roman candles exploding.

but enough about work! in the actual doing-of-things arena, i am looking very much forward to the long anticipated date night (which was postponed due to sickness and general malaise). also making an indy run this friday for trader joe's and (eeek!) a mall trip. just basics, guys, that's all! no party dresses, no leather jacket, no fancy knickers. i may need supervision tho because i am craving a schoolboy blazer, something black and sequined, some kind of deliciously soft sweater situation, tight black turtlenecks, and something absolutely candy colored and childish. okay, budget budget budget. i will willpower myself into responsible spending behaviors.

so, i know you've all seen it before and are probably all blah whatever, but i can't help myself:

and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...

- j.k.

see now, aren't you glad i did it?

2009-09-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

"my life philosophy? i like the idea of being irreverent and free."

- andree putman

still half asleep

2009-09-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

man, i'm wiped out and i barely had any work-related responsibilities today. found out that one of my students has H1N1 which is kinda sucky. so i'm planning on resting up and coating myself with purell for the rest of the semester. i am so not interested in getting sick, y'all.

looking forward to closing up the Bread Givers section tomorrow in Great American Books. they have their first reading response due, and i'm excited to hear what they have to say. i may be the only teacher that loves reading through those kinds of responses. i do tho!

anyway, dullsville post i guess. i have been sneezing up a motherfucking storm and i just feel tired as hell. feels like allergies rather than a cold/flu type thing. but i'm putting myself to bed reagrdless.

super major long weekend ahead of me full of plans for relaxin, sunnin, and a little bit of writin. plus, dinner date with pretty baby on saturday! totally love those.

back with something slightly more entertaining soon, i promise.

sleepy baby

2009-09-02T21:14:00.000-07:00

uff, big night out last night really took it out of me. been sorta zombieish and minorly brain damaged all day as a result. but it was half off bottles of wine at the sparrow, and it just had to happen. i also enjoyed their 'diablo' pizza minus the snausage. it has romesco sauce, red onions and fiery crushed red pepper. very delish and very much waiting for me in the fridge right now.

kinda had that hangover euphoria today as the headache started to fade and all felt right with the world. things are really good all around, i think. gotta work hard on a few things so as to secure myself employment for next year, but that's fine by me. i'm really digging my american lit class for reals and i can't wait to teach again on friday. what a pleasant feeling! and i'm stoked to do my introductory lecture for kerouac next week. the 40s and 50s are such a fascinating time period and kerouac is such a crazy mad loon, it makes me all jazz feeling and wanting to tromp around in the wilderness or get dolled up in all black and stay up all night in new york chasing mad musicians around and talking until all hours about life and shit.

but now i'm so sleepy that all i want to do is go curl up in bed with fashion mags and my poochie and a bottle of sparkle water. and then sleep and sleep and sleep. man, i can't wait. my bed is so comfy too.

half wine drunk watching gossip girl

2009-08-30T22:20:00.000-07:00

was how i spent a good portion of my weekend. happily. also cuddled up with a couple home magazines and just felt good and relaxed all around. week one was, generally speaking, a success. i did let myself relax for most of the weekend tho, so it's up early tomorrow to make sure that week two is equally positive. yeah, tomorrow's gonna hurt a little bit. do-able though and well worth the emotional ease of the weekend.

not much else to go over. my quest to have absurdly long hair is going well. i'm having some trouble fighting the urge to buy fall clothes. really, the weather was all mid 60s autumnal this weekend and the most recent j.crew catalogue is full of lovely little quirky basics. i think i might go with some kind of slouchy menswear vibe this fall. i did an embarrassing thing today that i'm willing to admit publicly, in all blog-honesty. i put my favorite ripped out pages of recent magazines into a folder which i labeled 'fall look.' yeah, i did it. it's lame. but the other folder i have labeled 'inspirations' is overflowing with stuff! (which is good, i think).

currently, i'm obsessed with some weird stuff. usually, i love really wacky plates, dishes, cups, etc. the more colorful and weird, the better. but lately i can't stop using (and sort of hiding away so that pretty baby might be compelled to choose other things) my pristine all white stuff from crate & barrel. a big mug with an elegant handle, in particular. i'm in love with it. and a big white bowl that is the perfect size.

i'm obsessed with the idea of one day having a ruby ring. but not the gaudy really red kind of rubies; i want the hot pink kind and i want it to be sort of organic looking and not all precise.

i can't wait until i am old and retired and have long grey hair that i can wear in a bun because that's when i'm going to have a greenhouse and do the serious gardening that i don't yet know how to do.

other obsessions: greek yogurt, arnold's sandwich thins, lindt's 'chili' chocolate, gossip girl, nash bridges, dexter, sandwiches with a pickle on the side, garden salsa flavored sunchips.

okay, now i'm hungry and i want to watch tv, but i need to finish my martha stewart mag and look at my lecture/discussion plans for tomorrow. (oooh, check out the spread on martha's houseplants in the september issue. her table full of cacti and other succulents got my little interiors heart racing!).

first day butterflies

2009-08-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

still get em. totally had them today, but once i started talking i was fine. both my classes look like they'll be fun, tho my 106 folks looked sorta obliterated. but by 2:30pm on yr first day of college, who wasn't a pile of stressed out, confused mush? i thought one or two of them might start crying. but that will go away soon enough and they won't be so freaked out about writing. then they'll start oversleeping for their 2:30pm class. again, tho, who doesn't sometimes need to sleep until 3:00pm on a weekday? i think it's my internal 18 yr old that makes me an effective teacher. wink.

anyway, i am also completely exhausted even tho i did little more than take roll and go over the syllabus with each class. got organized around the office and around the house and did some much needed vacuuming. and took out the trash. and did dishes. and washed the sheets. and called my MS med peeps and my mom. so, that's enough actually to make a girl tired.

last night i had two nightmares IN A ROW about missing the first day of class. funny how decidedly un-mysterious dreams can be sometimes. it's like sometimes yr psyche can't even handle symbols. hoping for less fitful slumbers tonight.

until tomorrow, then! with eyes set gleaming toward the weekend, i bid goodnight.

grey skies for miles

2009-08-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

the sundayest of sundays is back again and i have the blues. touch of a hangover from salty dogs and several glasses of wine didn't help much either. plus, i was so stoked to go lounge my hangover away at the pool that i slathered sunscreen and put on bikini before i even looked out the window. grey skies for miles, people. but i kept my bathers on until 6pm, just in case because i'm a hopeful girl.

no luck. now i'm staring down the first day of school and feeling a little grim about it. i had some big plans about writing a list of positives and resolutions for the new semester, but i'm having problems in the mustering department. i just feel the weight on me. see my pretty horizon crowded with hard-work clouds and no-fun clouds. okay, i better make a looking forward to list, at least. otherwise i might cry on my trustworthy compy.

SO! FALL 2009, I'M GONNA KICK ASS AND TAKE NAMES!

(right after i cry abt how far behind i am. sob.)

- group exercise classes are free for the first two weeks! i'm gonna get so strong and fit this semester and i don't even care if i end up looking a little beasty. it's time to work it out!

- i'm going to teach like a monster rockstar dragon jujitsu style beacon of excitement and knowledge and happiness. and i'm gonna add another teaching award to the list.

- i have heartburn. stupid hummus wrap. stupid too much booze last night.

- i will finish my PhD this year. i might not have a job, but i have friends who will put up a sexy out of work doctor, right?

- i'm gonna cook up a storm. shrimp is next on my list of things to integrate into my diet.

- and i'm going to take advantage of 1/2 price wine nights at sparrow and bistro FOR SURE. i'm going to budget a little more money towards going out to eat. it makes me happy, and i usually have enough leftovers to feed me for another night anyway. worth it.

- i'm going to find that dinners out money by cutting back on clothes spending. i have plenty of frickin clothes. so don't let me tell you that i need a new cocktail dress. i don't.

- i do need new boots tho for winter. tall ones. that are leather and sexy.

- with schedule going back to normal, i'll have time to talk to my friends and family more. i miss them, the friends and family!

- i'll start planning the arizona girl reunion trip b/c planning is fun and so are girlfriend trips.

- i'll chill the fuck out abt finding a job this year. focus energy on making all of my work really good and making myself an excellent job candidate. nobody wants to hire the half-asser who just threw things together in a mad rush to make the deadline.

- i'll study at coffeeshops more this semester. it feels good to be out of the house and to be surrounded by the warm hum of people chatting and studying.

THE END.